You horrible bitch…….

Argh, I am so pissed off right now, I don’t often let anyone other than myself piss all over my day but as my lovely Welsh friends would say, “I’m tamping, raging, fuming.”

I am having a fab week, work has been productive, Tuesday was a day off, I received my tax refund yesterday (which went straight to pay for the desert race that I stupidly agreed to run/walk/crawl with Mr C ugh), we met our fab friends last night and had an awesome meal at Tableau Bistro and tomorrow night, we are meeting up with a load of British ex-pats for what is no doubt going to be a very messy night. So after work today I head to my Hip Hop dance class to perfect my moves to Hurricane Chris’s Halle Berry (tbh, I was shit at it, like proper shit but hey it was fun and that’s what counts right). Anyways, I finish and go to get the bus home feeling happy, famished and looking forward to whatever concoction Mr C was knocking up for dinner (okay let’s be clear about this, when I say “knocking up” that doesn’t mean Mr C is nailing (in case I need to also clear this up, when I say “nailing,” I mean fuckin, shaggin, making love etc etc) me dinner, “knocking up” is also a term for throwing something together. )

If you’re still with me after that last paragraph, first of all, well done, I read that back and got proper fuckin lost. Secondly, bear with me, I’m almost at why my blood is boiling a wee (small not urine) bit.

So, I gets on the bus and all is well (that’s not really true, all wasn’t well in the first place. Like a dumb twat, I’d forgotten me sunglasses and was getting right blinded by the sun), I’m excited to get home for me dinner and to watch our new Netflix show Safe and boom, some horror gets on me bus and totally fucks up my smug life is great vibe……..cheers love.

A family gets on, a Mum, Dad, a stroller (buggy), two little people and an even smaller one. Now, I imagine you think I’m going to start banging on about the little people and the even smaller one but no, something happened that might surprise you and for sure surprised me………………

Next stop, some older bird gets on the bus and she, is the horror who pissed all over my week. The family had their stroller in the spot where the fold up chairs are and though there was plenty of other seats this bird said loud enough for the whole bus to hear and sound like a complete bitch “can you move this so at least one person can sit down.” The family of course, shuffled the little people, even smaller one and the stroller to accommodate her request. I sit there all quiet, still being blinded by the bloody sun and thinking about me dinner. Well my inner warrior, decides that now is the time to tear herself from whatever slaying she is doing elsewhere and bless me with her presence.

The even smaller person starts kicking off and though their Dad is doing his best to calm it down, the older bird cannot hide her miserable judgey self. At first, she starts glancing up at the family disapprovingly but then she openly glares at them, starts shaking her head and starts tutting away and that’s, when my inner Warrior (Shelly) puts in an appearance.

Unfortunately Shelly didn’t have to much time to amuse herself with the miserable bird as the next stop was ours and as I mentioned before, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Mr C was knocking up for dinner. Obvs we wasn’t going to stay quiet though. I purposely walk to the front even though it wasn’t the closest exit and said to misery “what do you expect, it’s just a baby” to which she replies “mind your own business.” Now I know, the mature thing to do, would have been to shake my head in disappointment and hope that misery would reflect on her behaviour and realize she’s being a bitch. I didn’t do that. I smiled at the family, said thank you to the bus driver and called misery a “judgey cow” as I stepped off the bus.

Do you know what, I don’t even like kids, they make me itch and tbh I don’t care for anyone who can’t buy a round but this miserable woman proper got on my tits (not literally), was a horrible person and was obviously making the Mum and Dad feel uncomfortable and thought she was for some delusional reason, superior.  We taught her eh.

In other news: Mr C continues to hold onto a distinction on his MBA and though it’s not the same as my now amazing hip-hop dance skills, I do have to give credit where it’s due.

 

 

 

 

Would you take a shit at work?

I know, I know, this is going to be another crude post and yet again I am talking about shit. At least this time it’s about human shit and not bird shit………..just read that back, it doesn’t make it better does it?!

So I have been at my new job now for 3 weeks, I was going to say 3 whole weeks but truth be told, none of those 3 weeks have been whole (cheers mate). Next week will be my first full week and tbh (that means ‘to be honest’ for you older folk, alright and folk my age) I don’t know how I’m going to do it! Like seriously how do people have jobs, have a social life and manage to do all that adulting stuff?!  We have already transitioned to getting our groceries and Eric’s food delivered.  We even have a bird who comes in and walks Eric most days (he loves her the traitorous little bastard). There was even talk about hiring a cleaner and someone to do the ironing the other day (apparently doing it after Sunday arvo drinking isn’t such a great idea and is a pretty pointless exercise).

When I wasn’t working I wasted so much time doing nothing, doing nothing was what took all my time up! Every time Mr C would ask what I’m doing, I would respond with “cleaning,” but we lived in a 1 bed 1 bath apartment. Now, every bit of time is accounted for, we have our routine scheduled TF. Wake up at 05:45, cuddle Eric until 06:00, I work out, Mr C takes Eric for a walk. Mr C leaves at 07:00, I leave at 07:30. We still don’t make the most of our time after work, though we are signing up to a Crossfit class next week to see if we like it. Mr C is also studying his MBA and I have important research to do, which includes watching TOWIE and any ‘Real Housewives of …….’ (don’t be a judgy twat, it’s v entertaining).

Anyways, I have totally digressed (I know right, how posh is that word. Posh AF me) and need to get onto the actual topic of this blog post as indicated in the title. So I am back in the the office world and where I work is v modern and all open concept and booths. There is approx. 30 peeps in the office (mostly birds) and we share 3 toilets (washrooms, bathrooms, restrooms, the loo, whatever you want to call it but basically, the place you go to shit and pee). These toilets are always v clean but bloody stink more often than should be deemed socially acceptable. Now I know what you’re thinking (okay some of you) but it’s a toilet, how else is it supposed to smell?!

I agree, you shouldn’t go to the toilet expecting it to smell of Roses, it’s a toilet for god sakes and has a very definitive function. But, it’s a public toilet, once you leave it you can guarantee someone else is going to use it after you.  I almost threw up when I walked into one today, something which I haven’t done in a long time (okay, that’s lie, I threw up last Saturday but totally unrelatable, that was down to dodgy Oysters…..and far to much Cider on an empty stomach).

So be a sweetheart, have a shit before you come to work; unless you’re a Vegan, apparently their shit doesn’t smell!

In other news, nah I haven’t actually got any, far to busy working, drinking and talking shit to have other news!!

You’re talking shit mate…..

I was walking back from an appointment today and a bird abruptly turned around and looked at me. “Did you see that” she said. “No” I replied “but I did say to myself, what’s she fuckin looking at” (the scally in me can’t help herself sometimes). It’s okay though, she laughed and what followed was a very intellectual convo (I know, they are two words that should not be next to each other right).

Turns out, an actual bird flew so close that it almost hit her on the head. As my inner judgy bitch (I know it’s bad but I can’t shake this wrongun off) was laughing her head off and eye rolling at the dramatics; I said “well at least it didn’t shit on you.” “Some people say that’s good luck” she replied.

Now, I am by no means a cynical person but when she said this I did wonder out loud if someone had made that up. At this time, I just happened to be walking past my fave people watching/ lunch spot (that just happens to be a bar serving reasonably priced decent wine) and in the name of research, ordered a large glass (a vital research necessity) and proceeded to ask Uncle Google, what he knew about bird shit and if it was in fact lucky.

Did this myth come from some distant land many moons ago, nope. Did I find anything explaining where this saying come from, nope. I did find this v amusing blog of a bloke documenting his bird shit encounters from 1998 to last week (funny AF). I also found an article on how to get birds to shit on you (spolier: tips include sprinkling bird seed on yourself and painting your own shit white).

After extensive research (and two glasses of wine) I have come to the conclusion that someone just made it up to make someone feel better and it stuck (hahaha did you see what I did there). I reckon someone was having a proper shite day and complaining to his/ her/ whatever you want to be friend that they were forever getting shit on by people and then to top it all off, a fuckin bird (the winged kind) literally had a shit on him.

Some people are really nice human beings, they just can’t help themselves, if someone is feeling bad they have to make them feel better (I know, how bloody sweet). So this guy’s/ girl’s/ whoever you want to be’s friend turns around and said “it’s lucky if a bird shits on you mate” and that’s where it comes from (fuckin genius).

In other news: I start work next week and will have no time for lunch out, boozy afternoons and blog posts about shit. Letting you all know so you can mentally prepare for what I know is going to be great loss to some #shitjustgotreal

 

I Got The Job!!

Well after a few months of job hunting, I finally got a job and it’s an awesome one that I am so excited about!! No more reading job adverts amending my resume and writing covering letters trying to charm my way into hiring managers offices for an interview.

My hard work defo paid off, I received two job offers and had another in the pipeline that was pending references.  Sods law eh, I have been searching all this time and then get somewhere with three all at the same time, like bloody buses!

So my stats if anyone is interested:

Time frame – approx. 10 weeks

Job apps – shit loads

Interviews – 6

Offers – 2 actual 1 pending

The offer I accepted was the second one to come in which, I did feel a little bad about as I had to negotiate salary on the first offer and though they hadn’t come up to my salary expectations, they did come up. The second offer was the one that most excited me and with the company that I think will offer the opportunity to grow.

So my advice/ tips for anyone who is currently job hunting:

Get up and get dressed – like proper dressed! My friends (horrible pair of bitches) mocked me when I told them I got dressed each day like I was going to the office but it put me in the right frame of mind to sit at my computer and write formal letters. It also stopped me from feeling like a loser bumming around at home.

Stick to a routine – Job hunting sucks, I don’t need to tell you that, it’s fuckin awful, therefore it is easy to get hung-up on not having a job and having full on pity parties with just me, myself and I. A routine gives you some purpose (more than just cleaning the oven, which is genuinely one answer I gave Mr C when he asked me what I’d been doing all day. Don’t be a twat Nath) and also preps you for when you do start working again.

Career crash course.  I did lots of procrastinating whilst job hunting (so easily done) and signed up for a ‘Career Crash Course’ through a website called Udemy and it was actually the best thing I did. I ended up re-writing my whole resume and changing my approach to the job hunt, which was when the interviews actually started coming in.

LinkedIn – If you don’t have a LinkedIn account and you are job hunting get over there right now. LinkedIn is an amazing networking tool and I can tell you first hand that during my glorious recruitment days, I would spend hours on there looking for candidates that would meet my client’s needs. If you are not familiar with LinkedIn it is literally like Facebook for professionals without the attention grabbing hospital check-ins and irritating feeling awful, will PM you babes statuses (like seriously if you put on FB that you feel awful/ sad etc, of course people are going to comment and ask why so do us all a favor and put why you’re feeling shitty, unless you don’t want the world to know, in which case…………………call your Mam, Dad, BFF or the Padre, do not put it on FB).

Stay Positive – Yep, I am one of those positive the glass is always half full types.  I have often been called out on this “I’m not like you, I am realistic” but you know what jog on mate; being positive has found me  not only with an amazing life but with an amazing life in a city that is constantly voted one of the best cities in the world to live in. I acknowledge, it can be hard remaining positive when job hunting, especially when you have to keep a roof over your head and have bills to pay but if you focus on the fact that you don’t have a job and life is shit then guess what, that’s more of what you will get.

Refresh Skills – During my job search I had to do a good few computer tests so figured it was a good idea to refresh my computer skills, which again you can do through websites like Udemy. It also sounds good when you are at an interview that you are keeping any relevant skills fresh and up to date.

Job Applications –  Instead of doing 20 fire and forget job applications each day, find a good few that really jump out at you and do spend a good amount of time tailoring your resume to that specific description and write an attention grabbing cover letter. Go to the company’s website and see what their values are and say how they align to your own in your covering letter.

That’s all the advice I have on the hunt, I could write for hours about interviews and compensation negotiation but ‘Wine Wednesday’ starts in a few hours and I told Mr C that I had sorted our bedroom out (we are still in the midst of moving) which tbh I haven’t! I don’t start my new job until a week on Monday so I have shit loads of time right?!

In other news, (disclaimer: if you are Vegan or Vegetarian the following may cause offense) we had Duck wings for the first time last night and they were proper lush. I was going to cook but Mr C came home  listing the specials at Elwoods which sounded to good to miss! Yeah we are meant to be saving and not drinking throughout the week but half price wings and $4 beer and wine was to much of a temptation to keep us in. Go try them, they do specials every day and it’s a pretty cool place to hang out (no TVs yay).

 

 

 

Own Your Awesomeness

I was on the bus yesterday on my way to an interview (I’ve been doing this a lot lately, it’s amazing what happens when you actually apply for jobs) and this larger bird got on wearing, ripped fishnet stockings, a skirt that showed her arse and extensions that were, well obvs extensions. She was awesome.

She got on the bus and sat down next to a very well dressed lady who visibly cringed at this bird’s appearance. Now some people having this physical effect on a person might have moved or made themselves as small as possible, did this bird do that, no! This bird turned to the very well dressed lady and engaged her in conversation by saying “I like your bag.”  It was brilliant and such a fabulous way of saying “fuck you” she killed her with kindness.

So next time you feel like someone is being a judgy bitch, embrace it, don’t take it personal and say something nice about them (even if they are complete horrors and have no right judging you)  #killthemwithkindness.

In other news, I met some random birds last night (don’t get carried away, it was a networking/ make new friends event); this is also something I’ve been doing a lot lately and it so weird when you first walk into a place not knowing anyone like proper awkward. It’s like dating for friends, please be my friend, promise I’m not a complete lunatic (it’s way more fun letting them find out for themselves). So if you are a bird and new to Vancouver, look for a Facebook group called Girl Crew Vancouver. There really is no need to feel lonely here in Vancouver.

We are moving……….again!!

So despite us getting a pre-approval, the bank decided to fuck us off for a mortgage because Mr C is a contractor and well, I don’t have a job!! We find ourselves having the opposite problem of most people; we have a deposit but not enough pay slips! That’s okay though, there are lots of changes happening in the Real Estate world here in Vancouver. It will be interesting to see what affect these changes have on house prices and you never know, maybe this time next year we will be able to buy a 2 bedroom rather than a 1 bedroom apartment!

We have found a great place to rent for a year, which we are moving into next weekend, it has a massive patio and I am so excited to start having people around again. Think we will do a BBQ for the house warming, hopefully the neighbours are v chill!!

In other news one of my good friends ate enough Beets (Beetroot for any Brits. I know, weird eh, it took me a while to drop the root part) last week to turn her pee red. Yes, these are the type of conversations I have with my friends. You don’t have to be crazy to be one of my friends but it sure does help!

So as well as packing, and applying for jobs next week, I will also be experimenting to see how much Beetroot I have to eat to turn my pee colour.  Such a busy week ahead of me, I best make sure I get plenty of chill time in today. Sunday roast, walk to Granville with me boys then pub later for a couple of glasses of ‘Mystery’ wine with some random birds I met on Facebook who I plan on forming a running group with.  I haven’t ran in a while, lets hope me legs still work when they actually want to meet up for a run!!

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See I am a runner, I have all the kit and everything!!

 

 

 

Judgy Bitch Part 2

I know, can you believe I have another story about being a judgy bitch within a matter of days of the previous one (for anyone nodding their heads saying ‘nope not surprised at all’ fuck you)?! I was waiting at the bus stop (proper embracing being a bus stop wanker) minding my own business, thinking about the awesome curry I was going to make tonight and how all this shitty snow makes for a perfect weekend of nothingness. A homeless (totes assuming this cause well, he looked it) guy says “like your hat.” I obvs plastered a big smile on my face and replied “thanks mate” expecting him to keep on walking.

This guy grabs a piece of cardboard pulls out a pen and starts drawing me; he said that I was pretty and asked if I was a model. I laughed and told him that right there and then I was his model but no I am not a model! We had a good old chat about music, I told him that I loved country music and he said “country music is the only music you can make a steady income from.” I asked him why and he replied “because everyone likes to cry.” Now I kinda see where he was coming from though I get nothing but joy from one of my fave country songs right now It Ain’t My Fault.

So he gave me the drawing and I apologised as I didn’t have any cash and had no cigarettes that he asked for. I said to him “thank you, I feel terrible that you have given me something that made my day yet have nothing to give you.” He asked if I would go to the store across the road and buy him some pens to which I agreed. The store was Shopper Drug Mart (like Boots if you’re in the UK). We walked in and I thought here we go, he’s going to ask me to buy him some over the counter drugs. My opinion was justified when he said we needed to go upstairs where the pharmacy is; in my head I was debating whether I should actually buy him drugs or not (it’s fuckin freezing and what else would he do with his money).

Imagine what a c**t I felt when he took us to the stationery aisle where sure thing, there was marker pens. Even when out of pure guilt I said “mate get whatever you need” he picked up one pack of markers and was so thankful. We went to pay and I spoke to the server in the disdainful manner she showed my new friend (judgy bitch) who had way better manners than me! Outside we said goodbye and he went to shake my hand and though my inner voice was screaming at me not to, I gave him a hug (probably down to the two glasses of wine I had with lunch), like a proper hug that I give my lovely friends. He ran off not looking back once, yelling thanks. What a c**t!

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“Like Your Hat”