STOP do not read until you’ve put this tune on. If you’re in public you might want to put your headphones or ear buds (posh fucker) on. Unless you’re one of those who could not care less about disturbing the folk around you with your music (you know who you are. Horrors).
How mad is it that it’s the end of a decade?! How mad is it that I am into my fourth decade (fuck I’m old)?! I’m sat on the couch drinking beer and eating Turtles (don’t judge, they all have to be gone by next Monday) reflecting on this past decade. I can honestly say, it’s been pretty good,fab fuckin amazing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all been roses and at times it’s been mad mental but fuck it’s been awesome.
The hardest thing to get my head around right now, is that I’ve been out of the military for a decade, almost as long as I served (fuck I’m old). This exact day 10 years ago, we were living and working in Melbourne after an epic trip that we went on after getting out. A few weeks ago we became Canadian citizens and have an awesome life in Vancouver. There have been so many highlights from this past decade but faves have defo been our world trip, living in Aus and settling in Canada.
I received a lovely gift this Christmas from a fab friend, it’s a chain with my name on it, well I say my name, it’s my childhood name Shelly. I used to always talk to little Shelly (ok I just read that back and want to reassure you all that I do not need sectioning), every time I achieved anything, I would think about her and let her know how far we’ve come. Growing up little Shelly was always wanting better and was in a permanent state of survival mode. She used to pray every night asking to “just be happy.” Well Shelly looking back on this past decade, we did it kid and you can chill out now. We are always being told to forget the past and focus on the future (or the present depending what ‘make me a better person book’ you’re currently reading) but reflecting on the past and how far you’ve come creates gratitude and drive.
Now that I’m grateful for all I’ve achieved, I can make some goals for 2020 but I guess I should recap on my 2019 goals.
1. Turn 40 – check (bawling)
2. Become a Canadian citizen – check (woop woop)
3. Run 250 kms through a desert –failed attempt add to 2021 list
4. Complete 1st year of MBA – check (despite wanting to pack it in on more than one occasion)
5. Become Vegetarian – ok so not as easy as you would think. We made it to Pescatarian and have not had any meat for a whole year
6. Jump out of a plane – nope, add to 2020 (remind Sarah and rope in the rest of the crew)
7. Write more blog posts – last one was in September so add to 2020
8. Go storm watching – check
9. See Polar bears – add to 2020
10. Wine tasting in Chile – check
11. Buy a slice of Vancouver – check
I guess I didn’t do too bad! I’m going to take some time to think about my 2020 goals and set them once the alcohol levels in my body are back to normal post the festive season! Before you write yours, be sure to check out this awesome blog post on setting resolutions by my equally as awesome niece.
I can seriously say that this is the dumbest thing I have ever done and I’ve done some really dumb things in my lifetime. Mr C wanted to go camping in our van Hannah, reluctantly I agreed. “It will be great” he said “we will have so much fun, it’s going to be a glorious weekend.”
It lashed it down and we spent most of our time sat under this gazebo. Even Eric wasn’t impressed.
So what else do you do when you’re camping and it’s lashing down with rain. If you’re Canadian, you’d likely put on a waterproof and go hiking but no, Mr C had done a great job getting me to agree to go camping in the first place, there was absolutely no way I was going hiking in the rain when I had no where to dry off and chill afterwards. In hindsight, we should have done exactly that though, maybe then, we wouldn’t have been so fuckin dumb……..
We were probably about half way through the box of wine (oh, don’t judge, it was lashing down, what else were we supposed to do) when Mr C first bought up the subject. It was a strategic move, he knows that after a few glasses of wine my inner Beyonce comes out of hibernation stretching her “we can do anything positive bullshit attitude.” The conversation went something like this:
Mr C: “babes we should do a racing the planet event”
Me: “what’s that?”
Mr C: “A race across the Atacama desert in Chile”
Doesn’t sound bad eh, in fact it sounds pretty awesome. We can go to Chile taste all the good wine and the food, maybe pop to Bolivia. We’ve never been to South America so we would be crossing off another continent (only one more to go after that (smug AF and don’t care)).
Me: “sounds fab babes let’s do it. Can you refill my glass.”
Mr C: “of course babes just completing our registration.”
And that was how I managed to get myself signed up for a 250 km multi-day ultra marathon through a fuckin desert. We leave next week with the race starting the following Saturday. Am I prepared? I get asked this all the time and no, I am shitting myself! This really is the dumbest thing I have ever agreed to do. Much dumber than starting a riot in the desert or strategically throwing up after day drinking tripple, tripple Baileys to keep up with the lads (remember that Pale & Interesting, when they wouldn’t let us leave camp until we paid our tab down the pub on adventure training?? Still think they were out of order for increasing the price of our drinks because it was after 5 pm).
Anyways, so yeah we’re are taking part in a Racing the Planet event at the end of September. Here’s a video of stage 1 of the race.
The good thing is, that I am doing this with Mr C, who has made me do lots of dumb things that I never would have done if it wasn’t for him. Such as, scuba diving in the terrifying ocean (my massive fear) becoming a certified Rescue Diver, reaching the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro (he dragged up the last part after I almost fell apart at the false summit) and snowboarding (well that was actually a fuckin disaster that saw me throw a full on tantrum on a mountain) but you see where I’m going with this. I know it’s going to mad hard but how boring would it be if we were just going to an all inclusive to chill for a week in Hawaii (I am so booking our vacations next year).
So my lovely friends, as this is going to be mad hard will you please be so kind as to make a donation to one of our chosen charities. We have chosen two charities, one Canadian and one British. The Canadian one is the BC SPCA we wanted to support this charity because they support animals with their tag line being ‘speaking for animals’. As you all know Eric is our boy and we absolutely love him to pieces. Dogs are awesome, they teach us so much and give us their unconditional love and loyalty, yet some cretins treat them so badly, taking them into their homes welcoming them into the family only to discard them when it no longer suits. I have read numerous stories about dogs being found abandoned, waiting in the same place for days for their owners to come back. Fortunately, there are charities out there that give these dogs another chance at the life they deserve, such as the BC SPCA, who welcome any donations in order to keep this work up.
Our British charity is Veterans Aid. They are an amazing charity who assist veterans in crisis, regardless of time served. The reason we chose these guys is because simply, they provide assistance to Veterans who are in crisis with much of their work focused on providing homeless Veterans with shelter.
It’s hard to describe the camaraderie you experience when in the military, for me, I can honestly say that joining the Army saved me from a life that doesn’t bare thinking about. I remember the first day I put on my uniform and stood with my fellow recruits on the parade square. I looked like what we would call a ‘bag of shit,’ my uniform was not ironed very well, my boots did not shine and my feeble attempt of putting my crazy hair into a nice tidy bun under a hair net was pathetic. My Corporal shouted/screamed at me in a Welsh accent that I indeed did look like a “bag of shit” and proceeded to take the piss out of my accent, nicknaming me Shanahana ding dong. Despite all this, as I stood there listening to other recruits being told similar, this feeling went through me. It’s hard to describe but it was physical, it felt safe, like belonging, like I had finally found my home.
The first friend I made shared the same room as me, I think there was 8 bunks but can’t remember. We became friends after she plucked my eyebrows for the first time ever and I accidentally dropped a bottle of her perfume (I was devastated, I’d never had perfume before and saw it as a massive luxury). You’d think we wouldn’t become friends but we became the best of friends, which got me through basic training, the many jail visits and the first half of my military career!
Being in the military was like having a massive family, the years I spent in, saw me form my chosen family of amazing supportive people. Even those that I am no longer in touch with played a part in who I am today and for that I will be forever grateful. Not everyone who leaves the military have the support needed to transition into a ‘civvy’ and without that support it is so tough. Veterans can find themselves struggling and in need of help, that’s where Veterans Aid comes in. In 2018, Veterans Aid homed 154 people, they need funds in order to continue the work they do.
I started today bawling me eyes out whilst sat in bed with a brew (a cup of tea for all you lunatics thinking I mean booze) and no not because I had to go to work (I love my job) or because it was lashing down with rain (I love the rain, it creates duck baths) or that I realized my hair wasn’t a nightmare and I did in fact go for an impromptu hair appointment last night (I don’t love my hair, I fuckin hate it. I look like a monk). So what did make me cry? Teddy bears, yep you read that right cuddly talking teddy bears had me bawling my eyes out.
Go on watch it, I dare ya. See if those little fuckers make you cry!
It’s a great Christmas advert actually (fab work Heathrow) and yes, I was in bed with me brew watching Christmas adverts on YouTube. I start most of my mornings like this or listening to Christmas tunes whilst getting ready for work, I can’t help it I love Christmas!
I also found a Granddad this morning which has made my day. In addition to listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas adverts, I also read the Hate Mail in the morning. Don’t judge, I know it’s a terrible rag but I can’t help it and it informs me of really important things like how Megs (me mate) actually wanted a different tiara to the one she wore at her wedding but our Lizzie (me BFF) told her to pee off and that she would get what she was given.
Oops went off a bit then, back to my new Granddad. He’s called David, he’s 85, lives in Lancashire, is in a choir and is such a lovely fella. His Instagram account went viral on Twitter when some bird called Tasha shared it and he now has 58.4k adopted Grand kids!! He started on Instagram to document his journey on Slimming World and is proper chuffed to be getting all this attention. Go and check Granddad David’s Insta account out and become part of the family!
So I read that Uber may ban Australian and New Zealand customers if their rating goes below a 4. I read this with much interest and mixed feelings. Part of me thinks well some people can be right nobs and to have them in close confines for even the shortest amount of time can be challenging; add the drunks, the talkers and the high and mighty and fuck there is no way I could/want to be an Uber driver. When I’m driving my car (well used to, I don’t own one now.
I live in Vancouver and it’s much cooler to be/appear poor AF and use public transport) I am in my fave place, it’s me, my music, a sold out arena and my fabulous doting fans (oh fuck off, it is MY fave place). I wouldn’t want to share that with some miserable c**t who feels entitled to a free ticket to my sold out event. Fuck off mate and buy a ticket, if ya name isn’t on the door, guess what love, you’re not coming in.
Anyways enough about me and back to my point………I will get there honest. Okay, I was going to get there but thought I would check my Uber rating and I am happy to announce that I am a 4.79 woop woop, check me the fuck out I’m almost a 5. Lol since when has being a 5 been something to cheer about. Oh well done average Shelly, you basic bitch.
Okay let’s try again, pin ya ears back and grab the popcorn. I’ve mentioned that Black Mirror episode on Netflix called Nosedive before. It’s the one where the bird is trying to get to her friends wedding and everyone is going around rating each other out of 5 on their phones. Which you might think is far fetched and eye roll that we’re becoming too concerned about the time people spend on social media but is it actually?? People are creating fake times to impress other people or worse being in an actually awesome moment but spoiling it to grab their phones to let everyone know that they are having an awesome time. This weekend Mr C and I were at Skookum Festival and the magical fabulously awesome Florence & The Machine played. At one point Florence told everyone to put their phones away and be in the moment (as if you have to be told)!!
Fuck totally forgot where I was going with that, sorry me Chimp made an appearance and totally messed my train of thought up! Oh yeah, rating people! China are/have bringing in a Social Credit Score for their government officials and citizens, which will determine what services they can access. One dude is reportedly on a no fly list because his is shitty. You may think this is shocking (ah that’s where I was going, bare with me) but no it’s not, we do it every day, which is why when you like a pic on Instagram you just know it’s been snapped more than once or when you watch Insta stories, you know it doesn’t paint the full picture but you’ve provided someone with some sort of gratification because you’ve added to the number of folk who’s read their story.
So what would make a 5* rating? An elderly lady gets on my bus a few times a week, she brings with her a trolley stacked with bags of cans and plastic bottles which I’m assuming she takes to the depot and exchanges them for cash. All the regular commuters make room for her, giving up the fold away seats so she can get her trolley in and sit down herself. The non regular commuters are visibly offended that they are expected to give up their seats (but do so in fear of judgement) making a silent but obvious protest and trowing the old bird daggers whilst trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails at the same time (nightmare).
Who in this scenario would be a 5* citizen? The elderly lady who is an obvious grafter, who can bounce daggers off her like Batman? The people who so graciously give up their seats to make room for the elderly lady? Or the people with faces like smacked arses trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails? I know who is 5* to me but don’t think everyone will feel the same……….
Oh and if you get a moment feel free to like, share, rate or comment. Hey I’m only human!!
This was what was screamed at me and some fellow concert goers this weekend as we were bopping away (lol seriously, where did that word come from. Does anyone even say bopping anymore. Fuck I’m old). This bird had gotten herself into a right tizzy and decided it would be a great idea to storm over and scream at a load of people in order to get what she wanted.
It was funny AF, she sounded like a Mum shouting at a bunch of kids, she spoke to us like she was speaking to a bunch of kids. So what was you “bopping” away to you might be wondering (or not if you follow me on Insta, so can now well imagine where this is going) was you at the symphony and blocking the view of the pleasantness, was it the ballet and you were spoiling the show because she couldn’t see the fabulous movements those lunatics can pull off. No, we were at a fuckin concert!!
This bird came over to a load of people at a concert screaming at us to sit down; she had obviously been sat there winding herself up for a while (or maybe I’m wrong and she is just a crazy bitch with a short fuse who doesn’t get out much) cursing us all and vowing to tweet Ed, Century Link Field and Mumsnet as soon as she got home to tell them all about everyone else who had ruined her night. Now you might think that she spoiled mine and everyone else’s night because we had to sit still so she could see and not dance (at a fuckin concert) but no, this flustered, mad as fuck bird bonded a group of randoms at a concert because of course we did what any sane adult would do in this oh so hilarious situation…….
We sat down, because yes we are grownups, well at least we were until the next song came on! It was almost like we all come together just to piss this bird off (which was likely what she was thinking) but we hadn’t (ok maybe we had just a little because we did all look at each other and laugh every time we stood up), we were at a concert and just wanted to dance! It got even funnier when Ed told everyone to get up and dance!!
Some people might say, well you know it was a seated area and maybe she had her kids with her and maybe she did. If she did, all she achieved was showing them how not to problem solve, shouting doesn’t get you anywhere love. I’m not even paying attention to what you’re saying because it’s far more amusing how worked up you are.
So if you are going to a concert where there will be boppy (fuck off, it’s a good word) music, be prepared for people to stand up and don’t be that person who everyone is having a good laugh about because they lost their rag at a concert because people were stood up!!
I do try, honest I really do but sometimes the inner bitch inside of me just breaks out and comes to the forefront in all her judgmental glory and you know what, I won’t lie, sometimes I love her! I know, I know, I should condemn her, push her off a cliff and cut her off forever but she is funny as fuck and makes me lol (laugh out loud for those who hate lol. Bore off by the way, you’re just trying to be cool).
Anyways I just popped down to get coffee and a bird walked by me in a fabulous dress and my first thought was lovely thinking how nice she looked. Then it turned to, I look shit in dresses (even at this point I still love her as tbf I do). I looked at her again, admired her dress, then looked at her shoes……….they were fuckin awful, shiny patent nude with bows on, like wtf they were obvs from Payless.
So this brings me to a confession, one that is very hard to admit but here I am sharing it with you good (and some not so good) people. Hopefully the ex wife won’t read this, she will crucify me and I will never hear the end of it! Are you ready for my confession? I’m feeling kinda nervous and totally embarrassed about myself.
For the past month (or so), I have been buying my coffee from Starbucks!! I know, it’s disgusting, I am horrified and a terrible human being. I should be supporting my local coffee shop but no. The big bad Starbucks gets fuckin everywhere and there is even one at work that makes it oh so easy to get on that slippery slope of supporting these guys! It’s that bad, that I don’t even need to ask for my coffee, they just take my cup (hey at least that’s reusable) fill it and know what my payment method will be. Sometimes I like to mess with them and also order a slice of Lemon bread (it’s so fuckin good). I will not be boring basic predictable Becky!
So from now (well after tomorrow when my new shiny flask arrives), I will make coffee at home or support my local Corner Cup Coffee House. If I ever get tempted to go back to Starbucks, I will picture my fabulous friends face, full of disappoint that I am not supporting an awesome independent coffee shop such as the one she owns in Gateshead, UK called Arch Sixteen, if you are ever in the area go check it out.
I was on my way to dance class last night (I know right, how cool does that sound. I now identify as a dancer check me the fuck out) getting my inner Beyonce prepped and wondering what this weeks song will be (last week it was Tinie Tempah, ‘Girls Like’and no one in the class knew who he was, like wtf how do you not know this awesome artist who can literally turn a shitty run into a Paula Radcliffe motivated marathon. Go on click the link and try not to move).
Anyways I’m crossing the road and almost got hit by a moped, I was like whatever, I’m a dancer on my way to class you will not kill my positive vibe (PS you look like a right nob, open your eyes next time you prick). This random stranger who was walking behind me was so indignant for me, he was proper pissed and having a right good old rant on my behalf. Not sure if it was the fact of almost getting run over that pissed him off or the fact that it was a moped (oh the shame).
So I humoured the guy and was chatting away and he said “your accent is great I won’t guess where it’s from” told him it was English and he asked if I had just moved here so I gave him the blurb of moving to Vancouver from Edmonton. He told me that he also used to live in Edmonton and asked how I liked Vancouver which I obviously replied that I loved it here. “Fist pump” he said as he held his clenched fist out towards me (ya what love, you want me to fist pump what are you like 12, you have just been raging about bad drivers and now you want me to “fist pump” are you having a fuckin laugh). My inside voice was having such a laugh with this, the outer me totally different. I put on a big smile and did the ‘fist pump’ thing. Thankfully we were heading in different directions and I could get back to practising my awesome dance routines (I’m a dancer don’t ya know) in my head.
So my dance program is almost finished, I only have one more class left and though I have enjoyed them I think I will try something else. Maybe boxing as I do love punching things (don’t look to much into that) though once you’ve been trained by the hardest bird in Birkenhead who was also named as one of the toughest women in Britain it’s going to be pretty hard to find a program that comes close!
In other news, our trip to Montreal was fabulous, we ate, drank and got frozen to the core. Besides the fab food and beer Old Montreal has lovely old buildings and we really did feel like we could have been in France. Winter probably isn’t the best time to go so we will be checking it out again in the Summer!
Have a fabulous weekend, I will be searching Vancouver for a decent Mojito!