You horrible bitch…….

Argh, I am so pissed off right now, I don’t often let anyone other than myself piss all over my day but as my lovely Welsh friends would say, “I’m tamping, raging, fuming.”

I am having a fab week, work has been productive, Tuesday was a day off, I received my tax refund yesterday (which went straight to pay for the desert race that I stupidly agreed to run/walk/crawl with Mr C ugh), we met our fab friends last night and had an awesome meal at Tableau Bistro and tomorrow night, we are meeting up with a load of British ex-pats for what is no doubt going to be a very messy night. So after work today I head to my Hip Hop dance class to perfect my moves to Hurricane Chris’s Halle Berry (tbh, I was shit at it, like proper shit but hey it was fun and that’s what counts right). Anyways, I finish and go to get the bus home feeling happy, famished and looking forward to whatever concoction Mr C was knocking up for dinner (okay let’s be clear about this, when I say “knocking up” that doesn’t mean Mr C is nailing (in case I need to also clear this up, when I say “nailing,” I mean fuckin, shaggin, making love etc etc) me dinner, “knocking up” is also a term for throwing something together. )

If you’re still with me after that last paragraph, first of all, well done, I read that back and got proper fuckin lost. Secondly, bear with me, I’m almost at why my blood is boiling a wee (small not urine) bit.

So, I gets on the bus and all is well (that’s not really true, all wasn’t well in the first place. Like a dumb twat, I’d forgotten me sunglasses and was getting right blinded by the sun), I’m excited to get home for me dinner and to watch our new Netflix show Safe and boom, some horror gets on me bus and totally fucks up my smug life is great vibe……..cheers love.

A family gets on, a Mum, Dad, a stroller (buggy), two little people and an even smaller one. Now, I imagine you think I’m going to start banging on about the little people and the even smaller one but no, something happened that might surprise you and for sure surprised me………………

Next stop, some older bird gets on the bus and she, is the horror who pissed all over my week. The family had their stroller in the spot where the fold up chairs are and though there was plenty of other seats this bird said loud enough for the whole bus to hear and sound like a complete bitch “can you move this so at least one person can sit down.” The family of course, shuffled the little people, even smaller one and the stroller to accommodate her request. I sit there all quiet, still being blinded by the bloody sun and thinking about me dinner. Well my inner warrior, decides that now is the time to tear herself from whatever slaying she is doing elsewhere and bless me with her presence.

The even smaller person starts kicking off and though their Dad is doing his best to calm it down, the older bird cannot hide her miserable judgey self. At first, she starts glancing up at the family disapprovingly but then she openly glares at them, starts shaking her head and starts tutting away and that’s, when my inner Warrior (Shelly) puts in an appearance.

Unfortunately Shelly didn’t have to much time to amuse herself with the miserable bird as the next stop was ours and as I mentioned before, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Mr C was knocking up for dinner. Obvs we wasn’t going to stay quiet though. I purposely walk to the front even though it wasn’t the closest exit and said to misery “what do you expect, it’s just a baby” to which she replies “mind your own business.” Now I know, the mature thing to do, would have been to shake my head in disappointment and hope that misery would reflect on her behaviour and realize she’s being a bitch. I didn’t do that. I smiled at the family, said thank you to the bus driver and called misery a “judgey cow” as I stepped off the bus.

Do you know what, I don’t even like kids, they make me itch and tbh I don’t care for anyone who can’t buy a round but this miserable woman proper got on my tits (not literally), was a horrible person and was obviously making the Mum and Dad feel uncomfortable and thought she was for some delusional reason, superior.  We taught her eh.

In other news: Mr C continues to hold onto a distinction on his MBA and though it’s not the same as my now amazing hip-hop dance skills, I do have to give credit where it’s due.

 

 

 

 

Half-Marathon Etiquette

I ran in a half marathon race on Sunday (yeah yeah go me right, I am fuckin awesome). Like some of the other idiots there, I did zero training (It wasn’t just me right?!), which became evident after the 10 km point. So though I cannot give out any training advice or tips (except to say that, yes you should defo do some sort of training) I can sure let you know about race etiquette (which may or may not just be my opinion) so pin ya ears back.

When you sign up for a race they will ask you what time you intend to finish it in. This isn’t to pin you down and say you have to run the race in that time. They do this to split runners down into different start groups. If you are in a faster corral, especially if you’re running with Sue, Karen, Annie, Wanda and Pauline in squad form (also really irritating), you can get in the way of faster runners.  Tips on choosing the right corral.

If you have to slow down or stop, use your arms as signals and get to the side. It is perfectly fine to stop.  I guarantee the only person judging you for stopping is yourself. Unless you’re that twat who abruptly stops in the middle of the race path, don’t be that person. Imagine it, Kim is running behind you at her 100%, she is in her element and feeling fuckin awesome; you stop abruptly and boom, poor Kim is out of the race and yes, now everyone is judging you.

When there is shade, get in it. Yes, it’s lovely the sun is shining and it’s the perfect opportunity to work on ya tan. No it’s not knobhead. It’s the perfect opportunity for sun stroke and heat exhaustion.  Save the tanning for afterwards when you can chill on a patio, being that smug fucker telling all and sundry that you just ran a half-marathon.

Whenever water, electrolytes or snacks are offered, take them. You don’t want to be that dumb fuck who turns their noses up at electrolytes in the form of sports drinks, only to get severe calf cramps at the 19 mile point on a full marathon (yes I’ve completed one of those too.  See told you I was fuckin awesome. Okay I am dumb occasionally but who isn’t) and have to be dragged to the side by some old dude and walk the rest of the way.

Don’t throw water cups at the volunteers. I know what you’re thinking, as if you need to be told to not throw water cups at the volunteers. I saw it, with my very own eyes this Sunday when I ran a half-marathon (I am fuckin awesome), some c**t so obsessed with himself didn’t look to see where he was throwing his cup and it hit a volunteer and water went all over her.  Don’t be that person.

Thank the volunteers. Mr C and I have volunteered for one race, the Hypothermic Half which is held in various cities; we were at the one in Edmonton, Alberta. Besides the fuckers taking the piss because we pronounce water properly (we’re English knobhead, we made the language up) all the runners were so lovely thanking us for volunteering.  I made sure to thank all (okay a lot of) the volunteers on Sunday when I was running the half-marathon (I am fuckin awesome). I even thanked the Scientology lot who had set up a table. To be fair, they had the best, much needed snacks, bless them………………….

If you see a person with their hand held out for a high five or holding a sign saying “power up here.” Don’t be a miserable twat, give the weirdos their high fives and hit their signs. They could be taking part in the only way they can. At least they’re there cheering you on, when any normal person would be in bed at such a god awful (sorry) time on a Sunday morning.  Don’t be a judgey twat.

Don’t judge your fellow runners and assume you can run faster than them because you’re smaller or younger. I used to do this all time, look at a person and think I could easily beat them. It really doesn’t work like that.  It doesn’t matter if someone is older, bigger or wearing a banana suit, don’t compare yourself to others, everyone is running their own race.

Don’t judge yourself, another tough one. We set our goals and tear ourselves apart if we don’t reach them. Guess what, if you don’t run as fast as you wanted to or ran as far as you wanted to, you can train and do it again. That’s the best thing about running, if you keep at it you will for sure see improvement.

So they’re all my tips on race etiquette, hopefully it was a useful read!!!

 

 

 

 

Would you take a shit at work?

I know, I know, this is going to be another crude post and yet again I am talking about shit. At least this time it’s about human shit and not bird shit………..just read that back, it doesn’t make it better does it?!

So I have been at my new job now for 3 weeks, I was going to say 3 whole weeks but truth be told, none of those 3 weeks have been whole (cheers mate). Next week will be my first full week and tbh (that means ‘to be honest’ for you older folk, alright and folk my age) I don’t know how I’m going to do it! Like seriously how do people have jobs, have a social life and manage to do all that adulting stuff?!  We have already transitioned to getting our groceries and Eric’s food delivered.  We even have a bird who comes in and walks Eric most days (he loves her the traitorous little bastard). There was even talk about hiring a cleaner and someone to do the ironing the other day (apparently doing it after Sunday arvo drinking isn’t such a great idea and is a pretty pointless exercise).

When I wasn’t working I wasted so much time doing nothing, doing nothing was what took all my time up! Every time Mr C would ask what I’m doing, I would respond with “cleaning,” but we lived in a 1 bed 1 bath apartment. Now, every bit of time is accounted for, we have our routine scheduled TF. Wake up at 05:45, cuddle Eric until 06:00, I work out, Mr C takes Eric for a walk. Mr C leaves at 07:00, I leave at 07:30. We still don’t make the most of our time after work, though we are signing up to a Crossfit class next week to see if we like it. Mr C is also studying his MBA and I have important research to do, which includes watching TOWIE and any ‘Real Housewives of …….’ (don’t be a judgy twat, it’s v entertaining).

Anyways, I have totally digressed (I know right, how posh is that word. Posh AF me) and need to get onto the actual topic of this blog post as indicated in the title. So I am back in the the office world and where I work is v modern and all open concept and booths. There is approx. 30 peeps in the office (mostly birds) and we share 3 toilets (washrooms, bathrooms, restrooms, the loo, whatever you want to call it but basically, the place you go to shit and pee). These toilets are always v clean but bloody stink more often than should be deemed socially acceptable. Now I know what you’re thinking (okay some of you) but it’s a toilet, how else is it supposed to smell?!

I agree, you shouldn’t go to the toilet expecting it to smell of Roses, it’s a toilet for god sakes and has a very definitive function. But, it’s a public toilet, once you leave it you can guarantee someone else is going to use it after you.  I almost threw up when I walked into one today, something which I haven’t done in a long time (okay, that’s lie, I threw up last Saturday but totally unrelatable, that was down to dodgy Oysters…..and far to much Cider on an empty stomach).

So be a sweetheart, have a shit before you come to work; unless you’re a Vegan, apparently their shit doesn’t smell!

In other news, nah I haven’t actually got any, far to busy working, drinking and talking shit to have other news!!

You’re talking shit mate…..

I was walking back from an appointment today and a bird abruptly turned around and looked at me. “Did you see that” she said. “No” I replied “but I did say to myself, what’s she fuckin looking at” (the scally in me can’t help herself sometimes). It’s okay though, she laughed and what followed was a very intellectual convo (I know, they are two words that should not be next to each other right).

Turns out, an actual bird flew so close that it almost hit her on the head. As my inner judgy bitch (I know it’s bad but I can’t shake this wrongun off) was laughing her head off and eye rolling at the dramatics; I said “well at least it didn’t shit on you.” “Some people say that’s good luck” she replied.

Now, I am by no means a cynical person but when she said this I did wonder out loud if someone had made that up. At this time, I just happened to be walking past my fave people watching/ lunch spot (that just happens to be a bar serving reasonably priced decent wine) and in the name of research, ordered a large glass (a vital research necessity) and proceeded to ask Uncle Google, what he knew about bird shit and if it was in fact lucky.

Did this myth come from some distant land many moons ago, nope. Did I find anything explaining where this saying come from, nope. I did find this v amusing blog of a bloke documenting his bird shit encounters from 1998 to last week (funny AF). I also found an article on how to get birds to shit on you (spolier: tips include sprinkling bird seed on yourself and painting your own shit white).

After extensive research (and two glasses of wine) I have come to the conclusion that someone just made it up to make someone feel better and it stuck (hahaha did you see what I did there). I reckon someone was having a proper shite day and complaining to his/ her/ whatever you want to be friend that they were forever getting shit on by people and then to top it all off, a fuckin bird (the winged kind) literally had a shit on him.

Some people are really nice human beings, they just can’t help themselves, if someone is feeling bad they have to make them feel better (I know, how bloody sweet). So this guy’s/ girl’s/ whoever you want to be’s friend turns around and said “it’s lucky if a bird shits on you mate” and that’s where it comes from (fuckin genius).

In other news: I start work next week and will have no time for lunch out, boozy afternoons and blog posts about shit. Letting you all know so you can mentally prepare for what I know is going to be great loss to some #shitjustgotreal

 

I Got The Job!!

Well after a few months of job hunting, I finally got a job and it’s an awesome one that I am so excited about!! No more reading job adverts amending my resume and writing covering letters trying to charm my way into hiring managers offices for an interview.

My hard work defo paid off, I received two job offers and had another in the pipeline that was pending references.  Sods law eh, I have been searching all this time and then get somewhere with three all at the same time, like bloody buses!

So my stats if anyone is interested:

Time frame – approx. 10 weeks

Job apps – shit loads

Interviews – 6

Offers – 2 actual 1 pending

The offer I accepted was the second one to come in which, I did feel a little bad about as I had to negotiate salary on the first offer and though they hadn’t come up to my salary expectations, they did come up. The second offer was the one that most excited me and with the company that I think will offer the opportunity to grow.

So my advice/ tips for anyone who is currently job hunting:

Get up and get dressed – like proper dressed! My friends (horrible pair of bitches) mocked me when I told them I got dressed each day like I was going to the office but it put me in the right frame of mind to sit at my computer and write formal letters. It also stopped me from feeling like a loser bumming around at home.

Stick to a routine – Job hunting sucks, I don’t need to tell you that, it’s fuckin awful, therefore it is easy to get hung-up on not having a job and having full on pity parties with just me, myself and I. A routine gives you some purpose (more than just cleaning the oven, which is genuinely one answer I gave Mr C when he asked me what I’d been doing all day. Don’t be a twat Nath) and also preps you for when you do start working again.

Career crash course.  I did lots of procrastinating whilst job hunting (so easily done) and signed up for a ‘Career Crash Course’ through a website called Udemy and it was actually the best thing I did. I ended up re-writing my whole resume and changing my approach to the job hunt, which was when the interviews actually started coming in.

LinkedIn – If you don’t have a LinkedIn account and you are job hunting get over there right now. LinkedIn is an amazing networking tool and I can tell you first hand that during my glorious recruitment days, I would spend hours on there looking for candidates that would meet my client’s needs. If you are not familiar with LinkedIn it is literally like Facebook for professionals without the attention grabbing hospital check-ins and irritating feeling awful, will PM you babes statuses (like seriously if you put on FB that you feel awful/ sad etc, of course people are going to comment and ask why so do us all a favor and put why you’re feeling shitty, unless you don’t want the world to know, in which case…………………call your Mam, Dad, BFF or the Padre, do not put it on FB).

Stay Positive – Yep, I am one of those positive the glass is always half full types.  I have often been called out on this “I’m not like you, I am realistic” but you know what jog on mate; being positive has found me  not only with an amazing life but with an amazing life in a city that is constantly voted one of the best cities in the world to live in. I acknowledge, it can be hard remaining positive when job hunting, especially when you have to keep a roof over your head and have bills to pay but if you focus on the fact that you don’t have a job and life is shit then guess what, that’s more of what you will get.

Refresh Skills – During my job search I had to do a good few computer tests so figured it was a good idea to refresh my computer skills, which again you can do through websites like Udemy. It also sounds good when you are at an interview that you are keeping any relevant skills fresh and up to date.

Job Applications –  Instead of doing 20 fire and forget job applications each day, find a good few that really jump out at you and do spend a good amount of time tailoring your resume to that specific description and write an attention grabbing cover letter. Go to the company’s website and see what their values are and say how they align to your own in your covering letter.

That’s all the advice I have on the hunt, I could write for hours about interviews and compensation negotiation but ‘Wine Wednesday’ starts in a few hours and I told Mr C that I had sorted our bedroom out (we are still in the midst of moving) which tbh I haven’t! I don’t start my new job until a week on Monday so I have shit loads of time right?!

In other news, (disclaimer: if you are Vegan or Vegetarian the following may cause offense) we had Duck wings for the first time last night and they were proper lush. I was going to cook but Mr C came home  listing the specials at Elwoods which sounded to good to miss! Yeah we are meant to be saving and not drinking throughout the week but half price wings and $4 beer and wine was to much of a temptation to keep us in. Go try them, they do specials every day and it’s a pretty cool place to hang out (no TVs yay).

 

 

 

Pure cringey!

I was on my way to dance class last night (I know right, how cool does that sound. I now identify as a dancer check me the fuck out) getting my inner Beyonce prepped and wondering what this weeks song will be (last week it was  Tinie Tempah, ‘Girls Like’ and no one in the class knew who he was, like wtf how do you not know this awesome artist who can literally turn a shitty run into a Paula Radcliffe motivated marathon. Go on click the link and try not to move).

Anyways I’m crossing the road and almost got hit by a moped, I was like whatever, I’m a dancer on my way to class you will not kill my positive vibe (PS you look like a right nob, open your eyes next time you prick). This random stranger who was walking behind me was so indignant for me, he was proper pissed and having a right good old rant on my behalf. Not sure if it was the fact of almost getting run over that pissed him off or the fact that it was a moped (oh the shame).

So I humoured the guy and was chatting away and he said “your accent is great I won’t guess where it’s from” told him it was English and he asked if I had just moved here so I gave him the blurb of moving to Vancouver from Edmonton. He told me that he also used to live in Edmonton and asked how I liked Vancouver which I obviously replied that I loved it here. “Fist pump” he said as he held his clenched fist out towards me (ya what love, you want me to fist pump what are you like 12, you have just been raging about bad drivers and now you want me to “fist pump” are you having a fuckin laugh). My inside voice was having such a laugh with this, the outer me totally different. I put on a big smile and did the ‘fist pump’ thing. Thankfully we were heading in different directions and I could get back to practising my awesome dance routines (I’m a dancer don’t ya know) in my head.

So my dance program is almost finished, I only have one more class left and though I have enjoyed them I think I will try something else. Maybe boxing as I do love punching things (don’t look to much into that) though once you’ve been trained by the hardest bird in Birkenhead who was also named as one of the toughest women in Britain it’s going to be pretty hard to find a program that comes close!

In other news, our trip to Montreal was fabulous, we ate, drank and got frozen to the core. Besides the fab food and beer Old Montreal has lovely old buildings and we really did feel like we could have been in France. Winter probably isn’t the best time to go so we will be checking it out again in the Summer!

Have a fabulous weekend, I will be searching Vancouver for a decent Mojito!

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Mojito please!

I didn’t get the job……

I went to the interview feeling v confident, I had done my research was prepared and stood in front of the mirror telling myself how awesome I am. I made small talk with the receptionist and did some power poses as suggested in Amy Cuddy’s fab TED Talk. Fuck I was ready, bring it!

The interview went brilliant, I connected with the interviewer and smashed his questions. It went that well, he even told me “you’re a strong candidate, you would really fit in with the team and your salary expectations will not be a problem.” We even discussed my start date as I am heading to Montreal this weekend.

I left on cloud nine and went straight to the pub for a celebratory wine……or two. I even went to H&M to buy a new shirt for Tuesday morning (though got totally distracted by a beautiful red non work top).

So you can imagine my dismay when I received an email late yesterday afternoon informing me that they chose another individual. WTF this has to be a mistake they said “I would make a great team member.”

Did I say oh well never mind let’s remain positive and see what I can take away from this experience. Did I fuck! Did I let the rejection slap me in the face and make me look in my rear view mirror initiating a full on pathetic pity party, fuck yeah. Did I crumble into Mr C’s arms when he came home from work and he said “are you sure you’re okay” like a fuckin baby. Did I make a pathetic little noise when Mr C asked if I wanted him to go and get some wine, fuck yeah and make it two bottles one of each!

Did I wake up this morning with a slight headache feeling ridiculous for letting something so silly turn me into a pathetic whiney bitch, sure did. Did I work out, have a motivational chat with Oprah and go and get a new hair cut, I did indeed!

Job hunting is difficult as is the rejections that come with the territory. Don’t take it personally or over analyse, learn from it and stay positive. There were lots of positives that came out of this rejection:

#1 I have a fabulous new Red going out top

#2 I found my new hair stylist the lovely Jessie

#3 My hair looks cracking on my new Medical care card

#4 I have a long, long, long, long, long, long weekend coming up

#5 I did smash the interview, turns out they also interviewed someone with adequate experience and much lower salary expectations, which pleased HR.

In other news, we are off to explore Montreal tomorrow woop woop!!

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Always Blue skies for me!!