Morning tears!

I started today bawling me eyes out whilst sat in bed with a brew (a cup of tea for all you lunatics thinking I mean booze) and no not because I had to go to work (I love my job) or because it was lashing down with rain (I love the rain, it creates duck baths) or that I realized my hair wasn’t a nightmare and I did in fact go for an impromptu hair appointment last night (I don’t love my hair, I fuckin hate it. I look like a monk). So what did make me cry? Teddy bears, yep you read that right cuddly talking teddy bears had me bawling my eyes out.

Go on watch it, I dare ya. See if those little fuckers make you cry!

It’s a great Christmas advert actually (fab work Heathrow) and yes, I was in bed with me brew watching Christmas adverts on YouTube. I start most of my mornings like this or listening to Christmas tunes whilst getting ready for work, I can’t help it I love Christmas!

I also found a Granddad this morning which has made my day. In addition to listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas adverts, I also read the Hate Mail in the morning. Don’t judge, I know it’s a terrible rag but I can’t help it and it informs me of really important things like how Megs (me mate) actually wanted a different tiara to the one she wore at her wedding but our Lizzie (me BFF) told her to pee off and that she would get what she was given.

Oops went off a bit then, back to my new Granddad. He’s called David, he’s 85, lives in Lancashire, is in a choir and is such a lovely fella.  His Instagram account went viral on Twitter when some bird called Tasha shared it and he now has 58.4k adopted Grand kids!! He started on Instagram to document his journey on Slimming World and is proper chuffed to be getting all this attention. Go and check   Granddad David’s  Insta account out and become part of the family!

Thank you for reading!

BritBirdVanCity x

 

 

 

Still a Judgy Bitch!

I do try, honest I really do but sometimes the inner bitch inside of me just breaks out and comes to the forefront in all her judgmental glory and you know what, I won’t lie, sometimes I love her! I know, I know, I should condemn her, push her off a cliff and cut her off forever but she is funny as fuck and makes me lol (laugh out loud for those who hate lol. Bore off by the way, you’re just trying to be cool).

Anyways I just popped down to get coffee and a bird walked by me in a fabulous dress and my first thought was lovely thinking how nice she looked. Then it turned to, I look shit in dresses (even at this point I still love her as tbf I do). I looked at her again, admired her dress, then looked at her shoes……….they were fuckin awful, shiny patent nude with bows on, like wtf they were obvs from Payless.

So this brings me to a confession, one that is very hard to admit but here I am sharing it with you good (and some not so good) people. Hopefully the ex wife won’t read this, she will crucify me and I will never hear the end of it! Are you ready for my confession? I’m feeling kinda nervous and totally embarrassed about myself.

For the past month (or so), I have been buying my coffee from Starbucks!! I know, it’s disgusting, I am horrified and a terrible human being. I should be supporting my local coffee shop but no. The big bad Starbucks gets fuckin everywhere and there is even one at work that makes it oh so easy to get on that slippery slope of supporting these guys! It’s that bad, that I don’t even need to ask for my coffee, they just take my cup (hey at least that’s reusable) fill it and know what my payment method will be. Sometimes I like to mess with them and also order a slice of Lemon bread (it’s so fuckin good). I will not be boring basic predictable Becky!

So from now (well after tomorrow when my new shiny flask arrives), I will make coffee at home or support my local Corner Cup Coffee House. If I ever get tempted to go back to Starbucks, I will picture my fabulous friends face, full of disappoint that I am not supporting an awesome independent coffee shop such as the one she owns in Gateshead, UK called Arch Sixteen, if you are ever in the area go check it out.

Damn, I really need another coffee……………….

Would you take a shit at work?

I know, I know, this is going to be another crude post and yet again I am talking about shit. At least this time it’s about human shit and not bird shit………..just read that back, it doesn’t make it better does it?!

So I have been at my new job now for 3 weeks, I was going to say 3 whole weeks but truth be told, none of those 3 weeks have been whole (cheers mate). Next week will be my first full week and tbh (that means ‘to be honest’ for you older folk, alright and folk my age) I don’t know how I’m going to do it! Like seriously how do people have jobs, have a social life and manage to do all that adulting stuff?!  We have already transitioned to getting our groceries and Eric’s food delivered.  We even have a bird who comes in and walks Eric most days (he loves her the traitorous little bastard). There was even talk about hiring a cleaner and someone to do the ironing the other day (apparently doing it after Sunday arvo drinking isn’t such a great idea and is a pretty pointless exercise).

When I wasn’t working I wasted so much time doing nothing, doing nothing was what took all my time up! Every time Mr C would ask what I’m doing, I would respond with “cleaning,” but we lived in a 1 bed 1 bath apartment. Now, every bit of time is accounted for, we have our routine scheduled TF. Wake up at 05:45, cuddle Eric until 06:00, I work out, Mr C takes Eric for a walk. Mr C leaves at 07:00, I leave at 07:30. We still don’t make the most of our time after work, though we are signing up to a Crossfit class next week to see if we like it. Mr C is also studying his MBA and I have important research to do, which includes watching TOWIE and any ‘Real Housewives of …….’ (don’t be a judgy twat, it’s v entertaining).

Anyways, I have totally digressed (I know right, how posh is that word. Posh AF me) and need to get onto the actual topic of this blog post as indicated in the title. So I am back in the the office world and where I work is v modern and all open concept and booths. There is approx. 30 peeps in the office (mostly birds) and we share 3 toilets (washrooms, bathrooms, restrooms, the loo, whatever you want to call it but basically, the place you go to shit and pee). These toilets are always v clean but bloody stink more often than should be deemed socially acceptable. Now I know what you’re thinking (okay some of you) but it’s a toilet, how else is it supposed to smell?!

I agree, you shouldn’t go to the toilet expecting it to smell of Roses, it’s a toilet for god sakes and has a very definitive function. But, it’s a public toilet, once you leave it you can guarantee someone else is going to use it after you.  I almost threw up when I walked into one today, something which I haven’t done in a long time (okay, that’s lie, I threw up last Saturday but totally unrelatable, that was down to dodgy Oysters…..and far to much Cider on an empty stomach).

So be a sweetheart, have a shit before you come to work; unless you’re a Vegan, apparently their shit doesn’t smell!

In other news, nah I haven’t actually got any, far to busy working, drinking and talking shit to have other news!!

You’re talking shit mate…..

I was walking back from an appointment today and a bird abruptly turned around and looked at me. “Did you see that” she said. “No” I replied “but I did say to myself, what’s she fuckin looking at” (the scally in me can’t help herself sometimes). It’s okay though, she laughed and what followed was a very intellectual convo (I know, they are two words that should not be next to each other right).

Turns out, an actual bird flew so close that it almost hit her on the head. As my inner judgy bitch (I know it’s bad but I can’t shake this wrongun off) was laughing her head off and eye rolling at the dramatics; I said “well at least it didn’t shit on you.” “Some people say that’s good luck” she replied.

Now, I am by no means a cynical person but when she said this I did wonder out loud if someone had made that up. At this time, I just happened to be walking past my fave people watching/ lunch spot (that just happens to be a bar serving reasonably priced decent wine) and in the name of research, ordered a large glass (a vital research necessity) and proceeded to ask Uncle Google, what he knew about bird shit and if it was in fact lucky.

Did this myth come from some distant land many moons ago, nope. Did I find anything explaining where this saying come from, nope. I did find this v amusing blog of a bloke documenting his bird shit encounters from 1998 to last week (funny AF). I also found an article on how to get birds to shit on you (spolier: tips include sprinkling bird seed on yourself and painting your own shit white).

After extensive research (and two glasses of wine) I have come to the conclusion that someone just made it up to make someone feel better and it stuck (hahaha did you see what I did there). I reckon someone was having a proper shite day and complaining to his/ her/ whatever you want to be friend that they were forever getting shit on by people and then to top it all off, a fuckin bird (the winged kind) literally had a shit on him.

Some people are really nice human beings, they just can’t help themselves, if someone is feeling bad they have to make them feel better (I know, how bloody sweet). So this guy’s/ girl’s/ whoever you want to be’s friend turns around and said “it’s lucky if a bird shits on you mate” and that’s where it comes from (fuckin genius).

In other news: I start work next week and will have no time for lunch out, boozy afternoons and blog posts about shit. Letting you all know so you can mentally prepare for what I know is going to be great loss to some #shitjustgotreal