Still a Judgy Bitch!

I do try, honest I really do but sometimes the inner bitch inside of me just breaks out and comes to the forefront in all her judgmental glory and you know what, I won’t lie, sometimes I love her! I know, I know, I should condemn her, push her off a cliff and cut her off forever but she is funny as fuck and makes me lol (laugh out loud for those who hate lol. Bore off by the way, you’re just trying to be cool).

Anyways I just popped down to get coffee and a bird walked by me in a fabulous dress and my first thought was lovely thinking how nice she looked. Then it turned to, I look shit in dresses (even at this point I still love her as tbf I do). I looked at her again, admired her dress, then looked at her shoes……….they were fuckin awful, shiny patent nude with bows on, like wtf they were obvs from Payless.

So this brings me to a confession, one that is very hard to admit but here I am sharing it with you good (and some not so good) people. Hopefully the ex wife won’t read this, she will crucify me and I will never hear the end of it! Are you ready for my confession? I’m feeling kinda nervous and totally embarrassed about myself.

For the past month (or so), I have been buying my coffee from Starbucks!! I know, it’s disgusting, I am horrified and a terrible human being. I should be supporting my local coffee shop but no. The big bad Starbucks gets fuckin everywhere and there is even one at work that makes it oh so easy to get on that slippery slope of supporting these guys! It’s that bad, that I don’t even need to ask for my coffee, they just take my cup (hey at least that’s reusable) fill it and know what my payment method will be. Sometimes I like to mess with them and also order a slice of Lemon bread (it’s so fuckin good). I will not be boring basic predictable Becky!

So from now (well after tomorrow when my new shiny flask arrives), I will make coffee at home or support my local Corner Cup Coffee House. If I ever get tempted to go back to Starbucks, I will picture my fabulous friends face, full of disappoint that I am not supporting an awesome independent coffee shop such as the one she owns in Gateshead, UK called Arch Sixteen, if you are ever in the area go check it out.

Damn, I really need another coffee……………….

Too much pressure

Have you ever sat on one of the priority seats on a train or bus and immediately felt an immense amount of pressure? I guess some fuckers out there will be like “no, what you going on about, is there priority seating on public transport? Surely if when I get on the bus and occupy a seat then that is mine until I get off.” No you little horrors, priority seats are for people who need to sit down more than you, like the elderly, people with disabilities, pregnant birds (or blokes I guess) and people who are severely hungover. Okay, admittedly I just added that last one but those poor people should qualify for priority seating to, have you ever tried standing on a bus when that evil fucker Tequila is still occupying your body? Brutal.

A pregnant colleague was saying just the other day how the train was so busy and she had to stand. This made my blood boil. It’s not even like you don’t want to offend just in case she isn’t pregnant, she is like full on about to drop preggers. Such a nice bird as well, there was me slagging the horrible cunts off and she’s like “well no-one really looks up anymore so they probably just didn’t notice me.” Which is true, everyone is in there phone rather than taking in what is going on around them. Do not get me started on spacial awareness!

So why is it, that when I sit in the priority seats, I feel like I’m a judge on the X-Factor. Like genuinely, it’s the closest I’ll ever feel to being God like and it’s proper stressful. Watching people get on and judging whether they are worthy of the priority seat you’re currently occupying. Now I could be one of those horrible fuckers buried in me phone and not looking up but that’s not me, I just can’t do it. Besides, it’s a great excuse to be a right judgey bitch and all in a good cause. Excuse me while I polish my halo, you may now call me Saint fuckin Michelle!

What a minefield it is though; I mean obvs you have your blatant priority folk: the elderly, the preggers, those with disabilities and the severely hungover but it is hard sometimes to decide. For example, at what age do you qualify as elderly and in need of a seat? Does someone who’s older than me qualify for the seat I’m occupying? Do you risk offending asking someone who looks older than you but not elderly if they need your seat? What if you do offend them and royally piss all over their day, how cuntish is that. It’s a bloody nightmare, I’m just going to stay well away from the priority seats from now on, I just can’t be dealing with that much pressure on me daily commute.

I must say, not all of my fellow commuters are a horrible bunch of fuckers, most are but not all.  Just the other day, I was on a busy train on the way home standing as per the norm and this lovely fella asked me if I wanted his seat.  Now I’m just going to assume that this lovely man was being a gentleman (yay for chivalry) and wasn’t asking because he thought I was older than him or preggers.  Oh fuck off, he was defo being a gentleman….

In other news: well it is not actually other news but a rant. Don’t you just hate those fuckers that recline on a plane. Another stress induced situation, watching people get on your plane being a judgey bitch and praying they don’t sit in the seat in front of you because that fucker looks like a right recliner!!

 

Judgy Bitch Part 2

I know, can you believe I have another story about being a judgy bitch within a matter of days of the previous one (for anyone nodding their heads saying ‘nope not surprised at all’ fuck you)?! I was waiting at the bus stop (proper embracing being a bus stop wanker) minding my own business, thinking about the awesome curry I was going to make tonight and how all this shitty snow makes for a perfect weekend of nothingness. A homeless (totes assuming this cause well, he looked it) guy says “like your hat.” I obvs plastered a big smile on my face and replied “thanks mate” expecting him to keep on walking.

This guy grabs a piece of cardboard pulls out a pen and starts drawing me; he said that I was pretty and asked if I was a model. I laughed and told him that right there and then I was his model but no I am not a model! We had a good old chat about music, I told him that I loved country music and he said “country music is the only music you can make a steady income from.” I asked him why and he replied “because everyone likes to cry.” Now I kinda see where he was coming from though I get nothing but joy from one of my fave country songs right now It Ain’t My Fault.

So he gave me the drawing and I apologised as I didn’t have any cash and had no cigarettes that he asked for. I said to him “thank you, I feel terrible that you have given me something that made my day yet have nothing to give you.” He asked if I would go to the store across the road and buy him some pens to which I agreed. The store was Shopper Drug Mart (like Boots if you’re in the UK). We walked in and I thought here we go, he’s going to ask me to buy him some over the counter drugs. My opinion was justified when he said we needed to go upstairs where the pharmacy is; in my head I was debating whether I should actually buy him drugs or not (it’s fuckin freezing and what else would he do with his money).

Imagine what a c**t I felt when he took us to the stationery aisle where sure thing, there was marker pens. Even when out of pure guilt I said “mate get whatever you need” he picked up one pack of markers and was so thankful. We went to pay and I spoke to the server in the disdainful manner she showed my new friend (judgy bitch) who had way better manners than me! Outside we said goodbye and he went to shake my hand and though my inner voice was screaming at me not to, I gave him a hug (probably down to the two glasses of wine I had with lunch), like a proper hug that I give my lovely friends. He ran off not looking back once, yelling thanks. What a c**t!

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“Like Your Hat”

Judgy Bitch!

Have you ever tried to be one of those lovely decent human beings who don’t judge themselves or others? Well after reading a lovely book called The Four Agreements I decided that from now on, I will not judge other people and indeed myself. However, saying and sticking to this agreement is mad hard (is that just me or what? Is it a terrible personality trait? Omg I am a terrible human being!!! Fuck, now I’m judging myself argh).

So off I went with this delightful thought in my head and sunshine firing out me bum; I was off to ‘Wine Wednesday’ to meet a bunch of strangers I’d met on Facebook (don’t judge). I get on the bus, which is busy and see that some guy is sat in the very middle of the back seat taking up much more room than he should be. I’ll show this fucker I thought and I did. I marched right to the back of the bus, gave a curt “excuse me” and plonked down into the seat, making sure I took up the exact amount of room that I was entitled to.

Once settled and resigned to the fact that the assignments the guy on the other side of me was marking were in French, I went back into me head to think about not judging. Now earlier that day I had witnessed a man not picking his dog poo up and according to my new angelic way of thinking, I was not to judge him. How can you not judge someone who does not pick up their dog’s poo?! It is just pure laziness, if you’re not going to pick up your dog’s poo, then you shouldn’t have one. It’s those fuckers who get us responsible families banned from beaches and parks, bunch of ****s (don’t want anyone judging me for using such a misunderstood word).

Okay so it can be difficult to not be judgy but not picking your dog poo up and man-spread on public transport is surely fair game right? I look around the bus at my fellow bus peeps with a big smile, radiating positivity and then you will never guess what I see; A Millennial gets on the bus, now baring in mind it was snowing and freezing here in Vancouver yesterday, this muppet was not wearing socks!!!!!! I know it’s a thing to not wear socks, it’s trendy and makes your Converse look cute but mate your feet must be freezing.

This is all proving to much for me and my non-judgy mind so I blank everyone out and go back into me head. I managed to remain there for all of five seconds until what I can only describe as the horrors of sweet overpowering Joop aftershave attacking my senses and breaking my blissful running through a flowery meadow vision. I open my eyes glare around the bus trying to work out who would do this. Non sock boy is still there, fuckin idiot, his feet must be blocks of ice by now.

As going into me head wasn’t working, I decided to be a normal person, put me head down and look at me phone. Wondering who else was going to be at the ‘Wine Wednesday’ I decide to check out the event details. Guess what…………………’Wine Wednesday’ is next week. Get off this bus you fuckin idiot!!!!