Almost a Five…..

So I read that Uber may ban Australian and New Zealand customers if their rating goes below a 4. I read this with much interest and mixed feelings. Part of me thinks well some people can be right nobs and to have them in close confines for even the shortest amount of time can be challenging; add the drunks, the talkers and the high and mighty and fuck there is no way I could/want to be an Uber driver. When I’m driving my car (well used to, I don’t own one now.

I live in Vancouver and it’s much cooler to be/appear poor AF and use public transport) I am in my fave place, it’s me, my music, a sold out arena and my fabulous doting fans (oh fuck off, it is MY fave place). I wouldn’t want to share that with some miserable c**t who feels entitled to a free ticket to my sold out event. Fuck off mate and buy a ticket, if ya name isn’t on the door, guess what love, you’re not coming in.

Anyways enough about me and back to my point………I will get there honest.  Okay, I was going to get there but thought I would check my Uber rating and I am happy to announce that I am a 4.79 woop woop, check me the fuck out I’m almost a 5. Lol since when has being a 5 been something to cheer about. Oh well done average Shelly, you basic bitch.

Okay let’s try again, pin ya ears back and grab the popcorn. I’ve mentioned that Black Mirror episode on Netflix called Nosedive before. It’s the one where the bird is trying to get to her friends wedding and everyone is going around rating each other out of 5 on their phones. Which you might think is far fetched and eye roll that we’re becoming too concerned about the time people spend on social media but is it actually?? People are creating fake times to impress other people or worse being in an actually awesome moment but spoiling it to grab their phones to let everyone know that they are having an awesome time. This weekend Mr C and I were at Skookum Festival and the magical fabulously awesome Florence & The Machine played. At one point Florence told everyone to put their phones away and be in the moment (as if you have to be told)!!

Fuck totally forgot where I was going with that, sorry me Chimp made an appearance and totally messed my train of thought up! Oh yeah, rating people! China are/have bringing in a Social Credit Score for their government officials and citizens, which will determine what services they can access. One dude is reportedly on a no fly list because his is shitty. You may think this is shocking (ah that’s where I was going, bare with me) but no it’s not, we do it every day, which is why when you like a pic on Instagram you just know it’s been snapped more than once or when you watch Insta stories, you know it doesn’t paint the full picture but you’ve provided someone with some sort of gratification because you’ve added to the number of folk who’s read their story.

So what would make a 5* rating? An elderly lady gets on my bus a few times a week, she brings with her a trolley stacked with bags of cans and plastic bottles which I’m assuming she takes to the depot and exchanges them for cash. All the regular commuters make room for her, giving up the fold away seats so she can get her trolley in and sit down herself. The non regular commuters are visibly offended that they are expected to give up their seats (but do so in fear of judgement) making a silent but obvious protest and trowing the old bird daggers whilst trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails at the same time (nightmare).

Who in this scenario would be a 5* citizen?  The elderly lady who is an obvious grafter, who can bounce daggers off her like Batman? The people who so graciously give up their seats to make room for the elderly lady? Or the people with faces like smacked arses trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails? I know who is 5* to me but don’t think everyone will feel the same……….

Oh and if you get a moment feel free to like, share, rate or comment. Hey I’m only human!!

 

Too much pressure

Have you ever sat on one of the priority seats on a train or bus and immediately felt an immense amount of pressure? I guess some fuckers out there will be like “no, what you going on about, is there priority seating on public transport? Surely if when I get on the bus and occupy a seat then that is mine until I get off.” No you little horrors, priority seats are for people who need to sit down more than you, like the elderly, people with disabilities, pregnant birds (or blokes I guess) and people who are severely hungover. Okay, admittedly I just added that last one but those poor people should qualify for priority seating to, have you ever tried standing on a bus when that evil fucker Tequila is still occupying your body? Brutal.

A pregnant colleague was saying just the other day how the train was so busy and she had to stand. This made my blood boil. It’s not even like you don’t want to offend just in case she isn’t pregnant, she is like full on about to drop preggers. Such a nice bird as well, there was me slagging the horrible cunts off and she’s like “well no-one really looks up anymore so they probably just didn’t notice me.” Which is true, everyone is in there phone rather than taking in what is going on around them. Do not get me started on spacial awareness!

So why is it, that when I sit in the priority seats, I feel like I’m a judge on the X-Factor. Like genuinely, it’s the closest I’ll ever feel to being God like and it’s proper stressful. Watching people get on and judging whether they are worthy of the priority seat you’re currently occupying. Now I could be one of those horrible fuckers buried in me phone and not looking up but that’s not me, I just can’t do it. Besides, it’s a great excuse to be a right judgey bitch and all in a good cause. Excuse me while I polish my halo, you may now call me Saint fuckin Michelle!

What a minefield it is though; I mean obvs you have your blatant priority folk: the elderly, the preggers, those with disabilities and the severely hungover but it is hard sometimes to decide. For example, at what age do you qualify as elderly and in need of a seat? Does someone who’s older than me qualify for the seat I’m occupying? Do you risk offending asking someone who looks older than you but not elderly if they need your seat? What if you do offend them and royally piss all over their day, how cuntish is that. It’s a bloody nightmare, I’m just going to stay well away from the priority seats from now on, I just can’t be dealing with that much pressure on me daily commute.

I must say, not all of my fellow commuters are a horrible bunch of fuckers, most are but not all.  Just the other day, I was on a busy train on the way home standing as per the norm and this lovely fella asked me if I wanted his seat.  Now I’m just going to assume that this lovely man was being a gentleman (yay for chivalry) and wasn’t asking because he thought I was older than him or preggers.  Oh fuck off, he was defo being a gentleman….

In other news: well it is not actually other news but a rant. Don’t you just hate those fuckers that recline on a plane. Another stress induced situation, watching people get on your plane being a judgey bitch and praying they don’t sit in the seat in front of you because that fucker looks like a right recliner!!