Bore the duck (fuck) off!

Auto correct seems pretty adamant to curb my swearing but hey a good strategically placed duck makes a hell of a difference! Go on try it, go stand in front of a mirror and practise saying ‘bore off’ followed by ‘bore the fuck off.’ See totally different impacts eh, one rude and the other brutal.

Although granted you don’t have to swear to get your point across. I was recently told “how dare you” in such a tone that it translated into “you complete and utter cunt, I will cut you if you do that again.” In that case it was all in the delivery and I totally appreciated the beauty of it.

What is it about words that get people’s knickers in twist (never a comfortable spot to be in). Like now, I bet some people are cringing about my colorful language but let’s put this into perspective, some people also cringe out at the word MOIST, including my darling wife who swears like a trooper and will therefore never find a husband.

Well that was all just thought I’d have a little rant whilst taking full advantage of the snow day here in Vancouver and waiting for Mr C at the pub.

Must remember to tell you all about my new book club and the fab birds who make it up. For now, I will bore the fuck off!

I Need Help

I hate asking for help, I really do, it makes my inner Beyonce quiver in shame and purchase a one way ticket out of here (bye Bey). Here’s the thing though, I do need your help and I am asking for it.

June 5th last year, I was at my first ever Convocation (it means graduation, I have no fuckin idea why it’s called that but I know I must have looked like a right twat when I asked my colleagues but hey) it was such an awesome time. I had only been working at the College a few months but this was for sure the highlight. Students were rushing in late, whilst me and my colleagues ran around making sure they had on the correct gowns (way more complicated than you might think) and at one point I even had to run out to buy bobby pins. It was awesome, watching all the various teams within our department come together like that was just magical.

We was coming towards the end of the second day when I found out that my 18 year old nephew had died moments earlier in a tragic accident in the reservoir at the local park; the news hit me like a sledge hammer. I zoned out, I felt like everything wasn’t real anymore. I watched my colleagues running around in front of me and it felt like I was watching TV. How could they all be going about their normal business when something so fuckin horrible has happened.  My body went on autopilot and got me home, I don’t remember the journey just shutting down when I arrived.

How has this happened, is it real. That little kid who used to run around the table legs at social get togethers, who could blast out Eminem’s Lose yourself word for word on karaoke, who almost knocked me out with a hug the last time I saw him. How.

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“I love bum sex” no I’m not making a statement (!), that’s a link to a post I wrote about our Mark and what a great young man he was, read it you will love him. The help that I am asking you for is to help my family reach their target goal to fund four throw lines in Debdale Park near the the reservoir where the tragic accident took place. We are almost there but need just a little bit more.

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If you can and would like to donate, please click the link below. Any contribution big or small will be greatly appreciated. We hope that by installing the throw lines in memory of our Mark we will prevent another family going through this really shitty time that continues to hurt us all.

For those friends asking what to get me for my birthday, this would be the perfect gift.

Click here to donate in memory of our Mark.

Thank you,

Michelle xxx

 

 

 

Haters gonna hate….

I don’t know how but I seemed to of added a v cool playlist onto my Spotify.  Maybe I did it when under the influence and my cool alter ego came out (ssshhhh, I know she’s not cool at all. She’s a fuckin mess so I’m keepin that bitch buried).  Maybe my niece added it when she was over for the holidays and it was nothing to do with me (I nearly destroyed her when I put country music on one morning). Or maybe it was Alexa because she was sick of me yelling “NEXT ALEXA” (apparently I’m too harsh with her wtf)!! Anyways, however it got on there it is brilliant and for the past 2 days I have been listening to it arriving at my desk after doing the dance floor walk (you know, the one were you start by casually walking but by the time you get to the dance floor you’re full on Beyonce. If you have not seen this Peter Kay sketch go find it, it’s hilarious) and feeling ready to deal with the day no matter what it brings.

Music has the power to influence and totally drive our mood and therefore actions. It can make us happy, sad, motivated and chilled. I am always suspicious about people who don’t like music or those it has no effect on.  Maybe that would be a good research project, maybe it’s already been done. Just checked and it has, some clever dudes totes agree with me.

Here’s a little experiment download the song in the video below and listen to it next time you go outside (oh and when I say listen to it, I mean through headphones, don’t be one of those dicks who think everyone wants to listen to your music. Yes, I did just read that back but whatever).  When listening to the song see if it effects the way you’re walking and your mood. Are you full on swaggering down the road giving it your best runway walk and Naomi attitude or are you like what is she talking about, this is awful.

 

Whatever the effect, it says more about you than it does me bitches……………….sorry Naomi is still in the house.

#Slay

Love BritBird

 

 

 

 

 

Shut the f**k up!

A few years ago I was sat at a bar in Edmonton having a few drinks and when the server opened a bottle of fizz I said “my fave sounds are the pop of a bottle of fizz being open and the sound of cash being counted when the ATM doesn’t refuse you.” I know right, how much of a dick do I sound!!! I bet the server was inwardly eye rolling.

These days my fave sounds are: Eric snoring, Nath giggling and sing along tunes being blasted through my Bose speaker. Do I still sound like a dick?! Was it the mention of me Bose speaker? Ok will scratch that.

I don’t know what it is but I find listening to Eric snoring to be v comforting. Isnt it weird though that if Nath was snoring I’d go mental but Eric’s snoring warms my heart!

What’s your fave sound?

Morning tears!

I started today bawling me eyes out whilst sat in bed with a brew (a cup of tea for all you lunatics thinking I mean booze) and no not because I had to go to work (I love my job) or because it was lashing down with rain (I love the rain, it creates duck baths) or that I realized my hair wasn’t a nightmare and I did in fact go for an impromptu hair appointment last night (I don’t love my hair, I fuckin hate it. I look like a monk). So what did make me cry? Teddy bears, yep you read that right cuddly talking teddy bears had me bawling my eyes out.

Go on watch it, I dare ya. See if those little fuckers make you cry!

It’s a great Christmas advert actually (fab work Heathrow) and yes, I was in bed with me brew watching Christmas adverts on YouTube. I start most of my mornings like this or listening to Christmas tunes whilst getting ready for work, I can’t help it I love Christmas!

I also found a Granddad this morning which has made my day. In addition to listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas adverts, I also read the Hate Mail in the morning. Don’t judge, I know it’s a terrible rag but I can’t help it and it informs me of really important things like how Megs (me mate) actually wanted a different tiara to the one she wore at her wedding but our Lizzie (me BFF) told her to pee off and that she would get what she was given.

Oops went off a bit then, back to my new Granddad. He’s called David, he’s 85, lives in Lancashire, is in a choir and is such a lovely fella.  His Instagram account went viral on Twitter when some bird called Tasha shared it and he now has 58.4k adopted Grand kids!! He started on Instagram to document his journey on Slimming World and is proper chuffed to be getting all this attention. Go and check   Granddad David’s  Insta account out and become part of the family!

Thank you for reading!

BritBirdVanCity x

 

 

 

I like Birds now……

I was chatting to a friend on LinkedIn this morning and he sent me a pic of a bird he saw on his walk (I bet you’re really wondering where this is going) and instead of telling him to bore off I’m not interested ya weirdo, I told him about the birds that I had recently admired, which bought back the memories and feelings from when I actually saw them. This one bird had a right staring out contest with me, she was absolutely stunning and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. In fact Mr C and Eric was with me at the time and we were all in awe of her beauty.

Now I’ve never been one for talking like this before; I’m reading that back and wondering who the fuck am I!! I have come to the conclusion it’s an age thing, you know, like when you get to your mid thirties and boom you now like red wine and olives or when you no longer have to ruin wine by pouring lemonade into it to make it sweet (peasants).

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To be fair the birds I see here in Vancouver are really fab, like the bald headed eagles I always see on my morning runs and the Owl that we saw in the woods really was pretty cool.

In other news – I just got a big promotion at work, yay go me I now have my own office woop woop. We also just got back from Costa Rica on Saturday, which was awesome. I might get round to writing about that but then again I might not!

Almost a Five…..

So I read that Uber may ban Australian and New Zealand customers if their rating goes below a 4. I read this with much interest and mixed feelings. Part of me thinks well some people can be right nobs and to have them in close confines for even the shortest amount of time can be challenging; add the drunks, the talkers and the high and mighty and fuck there is no way I could/want to be an Uber driver. When I’m driving my car (well used to, I don’t own one now.

I live in Vancouver and it’s much cooler to be/appear poor AF and use public transport) I am in my fave place, it’s me, my music, a sold out arena and my fabulous doting fans (oh fuck off, it is MY fave place). I wouldn’t want to share that with some miserable c**t who feels entitled to a free ticket to my sold out event. Fuck off mate and buy a ticket, if ya name isn’t on the door, guess what love, you’re not coming in.

Anyways enough about me and back to my point………I will get there honest.  Okay, I was going to get there but thought I would check my Uber rating and I am happy to announce that I am a 4.79 woop woop, check me the fuck out I’m almost a 5. Lol since when has being a 5 been something to cheer about. Oh well done average Shelly, you basic bitch.

Okay let’s try again, pin ya ears back and grab the popcorn. I’ve mentioned that Black Mirror episode on Netflix called Nosedive before. It’s the one where the bird is trying to get to her friends wedding and everyone is going around rating each other out of 5 on their phones. Which you might think is far fetched and eye roll that we’re becoming too concerned about the time people spend on social media but is it actually?? People are creating fake times to impress other people or worse being in an actually awesome moment but spoiling it to grab their phones to let everyone know that they are having an awesome time. This weekend Mr C and I were at Skookum Festival and the magical fabulously awesome Florence & The Machine played. At one point Florence told everyone to put their phones away and be in the moment (as if you have to be told)!!

Fuck totally forgot where I was going with that, sorry me Chimp made an appearance and totally messed my train of thought up! Oh yeah, rating people! China are/have bringing in a Social Credit Score for their government officials and citizens, which will determine what services they can access. One dude is reportedly on a no fly list because his is shitty. You may think this is shocking (ah that’s where I was going, bare with me) but no it’s not, we do it every day, which is why when you like a pic on Instagram you just know it’s been snapped more than once or when you watch Insta stories, you know it doesn’t paint the full picture but you’ve provided someone with some sort of gratification because you’ve added to the number of folk who’s read their story.

So what would make a 5* rating? An elderly lady gets on my bus a few times a week, she brings with her a trolley stacked with bags of cans and plastic bottles which I’m assuming she takes to the depot and exchanges them for cash. All the regular commuters make room for her, giving up the fold away seats so she can get her trolley in and sit down herself. The non regular commuters are visibly offended that they are expected to give up their seats (but do so in fear of judgement) making a silent but obvious protest and trowing the old bird daggers whilst trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails at the same time (nightmare).

Who in this scenario would be a 5* citizen?  The elderly lady who is an obvious grafter, who can bounce daggers off her like Batman? The people who so graciously give up their seats to make room for the elderly lady? Or the people with faces like smacked arses trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails? I know who is 5* to me but don’t think everyone will feel the same……….

Oh and if you get a moment feel free to like, share, rate or comment. Hey I’m only human!!