Haters gonna hate….

I don’t know how but I seemed to of added a v cool playlist onto my Spotify.  Maybe I did it when under the influence and my cool alter ego came out (ssshhhh, I know she’s not cool at all. She’s a fuckin mess so I’m keepin that bitch buried).  Maybe my niece added it when she was over for the holidays and it was nothing to do with me (I nearly destroyed her when I put country music on one morning). Or maybe it was Alexa because she was sick of me yelling “NEXT ALEXA” (apparently I’m too harsh with her wtf)!! Anyways, however it got on there it is brilliant and for the past 2 days I have been listening to it arriving at my desk after doing the dance floor walk (you know, the one were you start by casually walking but by the time you get to the dance floor you’re full on Beyonce. If you have not seen this Peter Kay sketch go find it, it’s hilarious) and feeling ready to deal with the day no matter what it brings.

Music has the power to influence and totally drive our mood and therefore actions. It can make us happy, sad, motivated and chilled. I am always suspicious about people who don’t like music or those it has no effect on.  Maybe that would be a good research project, maybe it’s already been done. Just checked and it has, some clever dudes totes agree with me.

Here’s a little experiment download the song in the video below and listen to it next time you go outside (oh and when I say listen to it, I mean through headphones, don’t be one of those dicks who think everyone wants to listen to your music. Yes, I did just read that back but whatever).  When listening to the song see if it effects the way you’re walking and your mood. Are you full on swaggering down the road giving it your best runway walk and Naomi attitude or are you like what is she talking about, this is awful.

 

Whatever the effect, it says more about you than it does me bitches……………….sorry Naomi is still in the house.

#Slay

Love BritBird

 

 

 

 

 

Shut the f**k up!

A few years ago I was sat at a bar in Edmonton having a few drinks and when the server opened a bottle of fizz I said “my fave sounds are the pop of a bottle of fizz being open and the sound of cash being counted when the ATM doesn’t refuse you.” I know right, how much of a dick do I sound!!! I bet the server was inwardly eye rolling.

These days my fave sounds are: Eric snoring, Nath giggling and sing along tunes being blasted through my Bose speaker. Do I still sound like a dick?! Was it the mention of me Bose speaker? Ok will scratch that.

I don’t know what it is but I find listening to Eric snoring to be v comforting. Isnt it weird though that if Nath was snoring I’d go mental but Eric’s snoring warms my heart!

What’s your fave sound?

Morning tears!

I started today bawling me eyes out whilst sat in bed with a brew (a cup of tea for all you lunatics thinking I mean booze) and no not because I had to go to work (I love my job) or because it was lashing down with rain (I love the rain, it creates duck baths) or that I realized my hair wasn’t a nightmare and I did in fact go for an impromptu hair appointment last night (I don’t love my hair, I fuckin hate it. I look like a monk). So what did make me cry? Teddy bears, yep you read that right cuddly talking teddy bears had me bawling my eyes out.

Go on watch it, I dare ya. See if those little fuckers make you cry!

It’s a great Christmas advert actually (fab work Heathrow) and yes, I was in bed with me brew watching Christmas adverts on YouTube. I start most of my mornings like this or listening to Christmas tunes whilst getting ready for work, I can’t help it I love Christmas!

I also found a Granddad this morning which has made my day. In addition to listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas adverts, I also read the Hate Mail in the morning. Don’t judge, I know it’s a terrible rag but I can’t help it and it informs me of really important things like how Megs (me mate) actually wanted a different tiara to the one she wore at her wedding but our Lizzie (me BFF) told her to pee off and that she would get what she was given.

Oops went off a bit then, back to my new Granddad. He’s called David, he’s 85, lives in Lancashire, is in a choir and is such a lovely fella.  His Instagram account went viral on Twitter when some bird called Tasha shared it and he now has 58.4k adopted Grand kids!! He started on Instagram to document his journey on Slimming World and is proper chuffed to be getting all this attention. Go and check   Granddad David’s  Insta account out and become part of the family!

Thank you for reading!

BritBirdVanCity x

 

 

 

I like Birds now……

I was chatting to a friend on LinkedIn this morning and he sent me a pic of a bird he saw on his walk (I bet you’re really wondering where this is going) and instead of telling him to bore off I’m not interested ya weirdo, I told him about the birds that I had recently admired, which bought back the memories and feelings from when I actually saw them. This one bird had a right staring out contest with me, she was absolutely stunning and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. In fact Mr C and Eric was with me at the time and we were all in awe of her beauty.

Now I’ve never been one for talking like this before; I’m reading that back and wondering who the fuck am I!! I have come to the conclusion it’s an age thing, you know, like when you get to your mid thirties and boom you now like red wine and olives or when you no longer have to ruin wine by pouring lemonade into it to make it sweet (peasants).

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To be fair the birds I see here in Vancouver are really fab, like the bald headed eagles I always see on my morning runs and the Owl that we saw in the woods really was pretty cool.

In other news – I just got a big promotion at work, yay go me I now have my own office woop woop. We also just got back from Costa Rica on Saturday, which was awesome. I might get round to writing about that but then again I might not!

Almost a Five…..

So I read that Uber may ban Australian and New Zealand customers if their rating goes below a 4. I read this with much interest and mixed feelings. Part of me thinks well some people can be right nobs and to have them in close confines for even the shortest amount of time can be challenging; add the drunks, the talkers and the high and mighty and fuck there is no way I could/want to be an Uber driver. When I’m driving my car (well used to, I don’t own one now.

I live in Vancouver and it’s much cooler to be/appear poor AF and use public transport) I am in my fave place, it’s me, my music, a sold out arena and my fabulous doting fans (oh fuck off, it is MY fave place). I wouldn’t want to share that with some miserable c**t who feels entitled to a free ticket to my sold out event. Fuck off mate and buy a ticket, if ya name isn’t on the door, guess what love, you’re not coming in.

Anyways enough about me and back to my point………I will get there honest.  Okay, I was going to get there but thought I would check my Uber rating and I am happy to announce that I am a 4.79 woop woop, check me the fuck out I’m almost a 5. Lol since when has being a 5 been something to cheer about. Oh well done average Shelly, you basic bitch.

Okay let’s try again, pin ya ears back and grab the popcorn. I’ve mentioned that Black Mirror episode on Netflix called Nosedive before. It’s the one where the bird is trying to get to her friends wedding and everyone is going around rating each other out of 5 on their phones. Which you might think is far fetched and eye roll that we’re becoming too concerned about the time people spend on social media but is it actually?? People are creating fake times to impress other people or worse being in an actually awesome moment but spoiling it to grab their phones to let everyone know that they are having an awesome time. This weekend Mr C and I were at Skookum Festival and the magical fabulously awesome Florence & The Machine played. At one point Florence told everyone to put their phones away and be in the moment (as if you have to be told)!!

Fuck totally forgot where I was going with that, sorry me Chimp made an appearance and totally messed my train of thought up! Oh yeah, rating people! China are/have bringing in a Social Credit Score for their government officials and citizens, which will determine what services they can access. One dude is reportedly on a no fly list because his is shitty. You may think this is shocking (ah that’s where I was going, bare with me) but no it’s not, we do it every day, which is why when you like a pic on Instagram you just know it’s been snapped more than once or when you watch Insta stories, you know it doesn’t paint the full picture but you’ve provided someone with some sort of gratification because you’ve added to the number of folk who’s read their story.

So what would make a 5* rating? An elderly lady gets on my bus a few times a week, she brings with her a trolley stacked with bags of cans and plastic bottles which I’m assuming she takes to the depot and exchanges them for cash. All the regular commuters make room for her, giving up the fold away seats so she can get her trolley in and sit down herself. The non regular commuters are visibly offended that they are expected to give up their seats (but do so in fear of judgement) making a silent but obvious protest and trowing the old bird daggers whilst trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails at the same time (nightmare).

Who in this scenario would be a 5* citizen?  The elderly lady who is an obvious grafter, who can bounce daggers off her like Batman? The people who so graciously give up their seats to make room for the elderly lady? Or the people with faces like smacked arses trying to balance their Starbucks and answer their emails? I know who is 5* to me but don’t think everyone will feel the same……….

Oh and if you get a moment feel free to like, share, rate or comment. Hey I’m only human!!

 

Sit down right now!!

This was what was screamed at me and some fellow concert goers this weekend as we were bopping away (lol seriously, where did that word come from. Does anyone even say bopping anymore. Fuck I’m old).  This bird had gotten herself into a right tizzy and decided it would be a great idea to storm over and scream at a load of people in order to get what she wanted.

It was funny AF, she sounded like a Mum shouting at a bunch of kids, she spoke to us like she was speaking to a bunch of kids. So what was you “bopping” away to you might be wondering (or not if you follow me on Insta, so can now well imagine where this is going) was you at the symphony and blocking the view of the pleasantness, was it the ballet and you were spoiling the show because she couldn’t see the fabulous movements those lunatics can pull off. No, we were at a fuckin concert!!

This bird came over to a load of people at a concert screaming at us to sit down; she had obviously been sat there winding herself up for a while (or maybe I’m wrong and she is just a crazy bitch with a short fuse who doesn’t get out much) cursing us all and vowing to tweet Ed, Century Link Field and Mumsnet as soon as she got home to tell them all about everyone else who had ruined her night. Now you might think that she spoiled mine and everyone else’s night because we had to sit still so she could see and not dance (at a fuckin concert) but no, this flustered, mad as fuck bird bonded a group of randoms at a concert because of course we did what any sane adult would do in this oh so hilarious situation…….

We sat down, because yes we are grownups, well at least we were until the next song came on! It was almost like we all come together just to piss this bird off (which was likely what she was thinking) but we hadn’t (ok maybe we had just a little because we did all look at each other and laugh every time we stood up), we were at a concert and just wanted to dance! It got even funnier when Ed told everyone to get up  and dance!!

Some people might say, well you know it was a seated area and maybe she had her kids with her and maybe she did. If she did, all she achieved was showing them how not to problem solve, shouting doesn’t get you anywhere love. I’m not even paying attention to what you’re saying because it’s far more amusing how worked up you are.

So if you are going to a concert where there will be boppy (fuck off, it’s a good word) music, be prepared for people to stand up and don’t be that person who everyone is having a good laugh about because they lost their rag at a concert because people were stood up!!

 

Still a Judgy Bitch!

I do try, honest I really do but sometimes the inner bitch inside of me just breaks out and comes to the forefront in all her judgmental glory and you know what, I won’t lie, sometimes I love her! I know, I know, I should condemn her, push her off a cliff and cut her off forever but she is funny as fuck and makes me lol (laugh out loud for those who hate lol. Bore off by the way, you’re just trying to be cool).

Anyways I just popped down to get coffee and a bird walked by me in a fabulous dress and my first thought was lovely thinking how nice she looked. Then it turned to, I look shit in dresses (even at this point I still love her as tbf I do). I looked at her again, admired her dress, then looked at her shoes……….they were fuckin awful, shiny patent nude with bows on, like wtf they were obvs from Payless.

So this brings me to a confession, one that is very hard to admit but here I am sharing it with you good (and some not so good) people. Hopefully the ex wife won’t read this, she will crucify me and I will never hear the end of it! Are you ready for my confession? I’m feeling kinda nervous and totally embarrassed about myself.

For the past month (or so), I have been buying my coffee from Starbucks!! I know, it’s disgusting, I am horrified and a terrible human being. I should be supporting my local coffee shop but no. The big bad Starbucks gets fuckin everywhere and there is even one at work that makes it oh so easy to get on that slippery slope of supporting these guys! It’s that bad, that I don’t even need to ask for my coffee, they just take my cup (hey at least that’s reusable) fill it and know what my payment method will be. Sometimes I like to mess with them and also order a slice of Lemon bread (it’s so fuckin good). I will not be boring basic predictable Becky!

So from now (well after tomorrow when my new shiny flask arrives), I will make coffee at home or support my local Corner Cup Coffee House. If I ever get tempted to go back to Starbucks, I will picture my fabulous friends face, full of disappoint that I am not supporting an awesome independent coffee shop such as the one she owns in Gateshead, UK called Arch Sixteen, if you are ever in the area go check it out.

Damn, I really need another coffee……………….