Judgey Bitch Part 3

Not sure why this memory popped into my head on my commute to work but it did and I had to share it.

I had to go home March last year; I’d received a message from my brother saying that my Father was seriously sick and not likely to make it through. He died, Melanoma, which is an aggressive skin cancer took him.

We had to wait 3 weeks until the funeral took place. It would have been longer if we waited for a Catholic priest (seriously there is a need for Catholic priests in the town I was born. If you can do without booze (well kinda) and sex (well kinda) and are all about doing good for the people so don’t mind living in a shit hole, this could be your calling!!).

Anyways, one morning I went to my Father’s flat and decided to walk back to my lovely nieces via the route I used to walk to my Mother’s for our weekend visit. It was weird AF and a mad emotional roller coaster.

To deal with the emotional roller coaster, I did what any responsible adult would and went the pub to drink through it.

I went to the delighful local, a good old Wetherspoons. This just has to be the best people watching spot ever. You could literally stop here all day, watching. I couldn’t not laugh when I first went the bar and the server said that I speak v quiet!! No mate, that’s just a normal volume.

2 (large) glasses of wine in an old bloke sat at the table opposite me. He kept looking at me so I did my best to ignore him, staring gormlessly at the Daily Mail on my phone but he would not stop looking. So against the wishes of the judgey bitch inside me who was screaming to not make eye contact, I did just that.

“Hi do you mind if I join you?” (Judgey bitch was having a head fit “don’t you fuckin dare. Neck your wine and get out right now. DO NOT TALK TO HIM”).

He was the loveliest man, a grafter and a gentleman. We talked forever and drank some more and listened to eachother. Ned lived with his son who was a worrier and a cynic. Ned enjoyed a good laugh and like me, believed in the power of positivity.

The more I drank, the more difficult it was to keep a grip of my emotions. We chatted about people’s expectations of us and how it can cause pressure and misery. Ned told me that we give far to much credit to other people’s opinions and I agreed.

Ned helped me through that day, I don’t doubt that he took one look at me, and knew I needed someone to download on. An to think, if I would have listened to my inner judgey bitch, I would have missed out on an awesome interaction with a total stranger.

Thanks Ned x

So next time a total stranger tries to talk to you, don’t ignore them (unless you’re on a plane, on a run, if they look dodgy, if you’re reading a book, if they ask about your religious orientation or randoms trying to sign you up for charities on the street), you just never know, you might not know it but you might need them.

Would you take a shit at work?

I know, I know, this is going to be another crude post and yet again I am talking about shit. At least this time it’s about human shit and not bird shit………..just read that back, it doesn’t make it better does it?!

So I have been at my new job now for 3 weeks, I was going to say 3 whole weeks but truth be told, none of those 3 weeks have been whole (cheers mate). Next week will be my first full week and tbh (that means ‘to be honest’ for you older folk, alright and folk my age) I don’t know how I’m going to do it! Like seriously how do people have jobs, have a social life and manage to do all that adulting stuff?!  We have already transitioned to getting our groceries and Eric’s food delivered.  We even have a bird who comes in and walks Eric most days (he loves her the traitorous little bastard). There was even talk about hiring a cleaner and someone to do the ironing the other day (apparently doing it after Sunday arvo drinking isn’t such a great idea and is a pretty pointless exercise).

When I wasn’t working I wasted so much time doing nothing, doing nothing was what took all my time up! Every time Mr C would ask what I’m doing, I would respond with “cleaning,” but we lived in a 1 bed 1 bath apartment. Now, every bit of time is accounted for, we have our routine scheduled TF. Wake up at 05:45, cuddle Eric until 06:00, I work out, Mr C takes Eric for a walk. Mr C leaves at 07:00, I leave at 07:30. We still don’t make the most of our time after work, though we are signing up to a Crossfit class next week to see if we like it. Mr C is also studying his MBA and I have important research to do, which includes watching TOWIE and any ‘Real Housewives of …….’ (don’t be a judgy twat, it’s v entertaining).

Anyways, I have totally digressed (I know right, how posh is that word. Posh AF me) and need to get onto the actual topic of this blog post as indicated in the title. So I am back in the the office world and where I work is v modern and all open concept and booths. There is approx. 30 peeps in the office (mostly birds) and we share 3 toilets (washrooms, bathrooms, restrooms, the loo, whatever you want to call it but basically, the place you go to shit and pee). These toilets are always v clean but bloody stink more often than should be deemed socially acceptable. Now I know what you’re thinking (okay some of you) but it’s a toilet, how else is it supposed to smell?!

I agree, you shouldn’t go to the toilet expecting it to smell of Roses, it’s a toilet for god sakes and has a very definitive function. But, it’s a public toilet, once you leave it you can guarantee someone else is going to use it after you.  I almost threw up when I walked into one today, something which I haven’t done in a long time (okay, that’s lie, I threw up last Saturday but totally unrelatable, that was down to dodgy Oysters…..and far to much Cider on an empty stomach).

So be a sweetheart, have a shit before you come to work; unless you’re a Vegan, apparently their shit doesn’t smell!

In other news, nah I haven’t actually got any, far to busy working, drinking and talking shit to have other news!!

You’re talking shit mate…..

I was walking back from an appointment today and a bird abruptly turned around and looked at me. “Did you see that” she said. “No” I replied “but I did say to myself, what’s she fuckin looking at” (the scally in me can’t help herself sometimes). It’s okay though, she laughed and what followed was a very intellectual convo (I know, they are two words that should not be next to each other right).

Turns out, an actual bird flew so close that it almost hit her on the head. As my inner judgy bitch (I know it’s bad but I can’t shake this wrongun off) was laughing her head off and eye rolling at the dramatics; I said “well at least it didn’t shit on you.” “Some people say that’s good luck” she replied.

Now, I am by no means a cynical person but when she said this I did wonder out loud if someone had made that up. At this time, I just happened to be walking past my fave people watching/ lunch spot (that just happens to be a bar serving reasonably priced decent wine) and in the name of research, ordered a large glass (a vital research necessity) and proceeded to ask Uncle Google, what he knew about bird shit and if it was in fact lucky.

Did this myth come from some distant land many moons ago, nope. Did I find anything explaining where this saying come from, nope. I did find this v amusing blog of a bloke documenting his bird shit encounters from 1998 to last week (funny AF). I also found an article on how to get birds to shit on you (spolier: tips include sprinkling bird seed on yourself and painting your own shit white).

After extensive research (and two glasses of wine) I have come to the conclusion that someone just made it up to make someone feel better and it stuck (hahaha did you see what I did there). I reckon someone was having a proper shite day and complaining to his/ her/ whatever you want to be friend that they were forever getting shit on by people and then to top it all off, a fuckin bird (the winged kind) literally had a shit on him.

Some people are really nice human beings, they just can’t help themselves, if someone is feeling bad they have to make them feel better (I know, how bloody sweet). So this guy’s/ girl’s/ whoever you want to be’s friend turns around and said “it’s lucky if a bird shits on you mate” and that’s where it comes from (fuckin genius).

In other news: I start work next week and will have no time for lunch out, boozy afternoons and blog posts about shit. Letting you all know so you can mentally prepare for what I know is going to be great loss to some #shitjustgotreal

 

I Got The Job!!

Well after a few months of job hunting, I finally got a job and it’s an awesome one that I am so excited about!! No more reading job adverts amending my resume and writing covering letters trying to charm my way into hiring managers offices for an interview.

My hard work defo paid off, I received two job offers and had another in the pipeline that was pending references.  Sods law eh, I have been searching all this time and then get somewhere with three all at the same time, like bloody buses!

So my stats if anyone is interested:

Time frame – approx. 10 weeks

Job apps – shit loads

Interviews – 6

Offers – 2 actual 1 pending

The offer I accepted was the second one to come in which, I did feel a little bad about as I had to negotiate salary on the first offer and though they hadn’t come up to my salary expectations, they did come up. The second offer was the one that most excited me and with the company that I think will offer the opportunity to grow.

So my advice/ tips for anyone who is currently job hunting:

Get up and get dressed – like proper dressed! My friends (horrible pair of bitches) mocked me when I told them I got dressed each day like I was going to the office but it put me in the right frame of mind to sit at my computer and write formal letters. It also stopped me from feeling like a loser bumming around at home.

Stick to a routine – Job hunting sucks, I don’t need to tell you that, it’s fuckin awful, therefore it is easy to get hung-up on not having a job and having full on pity parties with just me, myself and I. A routine gives you some purpose (more than just cleaning the oven, which is genuinely one answer I gave Mr C when he asked me what I’d been doing all day. Don’t be a twat Nath) and also preps you for when you do start working again.

Career crash course.  I did lots of procrastinating whilst job hunting (so easily done) and signed up for a ‘Career Crash Course’ through a website called Udemy and it was actually the best thing I did. I ended up re-writing my whole resume and changing my approach to the job hunt, which was when the interviews actually started coming in.

LinkedIn – If you don’t have a LinkedIn account and you are job hunting get over there right now. LinkedIn is an amazing networking tool and I can tell you first hand that during my glorious recruitment days, I would spend hours on there looking for candidates that would meet my client’s needs. If you are not familiar with LinkedIn it is literally like Facebook for professionals without the attention grabbing hospital check-ins and irritating feeling awful, will PM you babes statuses (like seriously if you put on FB that you feel awful/ sad etc, of course people are going to comment and ask why so do us all a favor and put why you’re feeling shitty, unless you don’t want the world to know, in which case…………………call your Mam, Dad, BFF or the Padre, do not put it on FB).

Stay Positive – Yep, I am one of those positive the glass is always half full types.  I have often been called out on this “I’m not like you, I am realistic” but you know what jog on mate; being positive has found me  not only with an amazing life but with an amazing life in a city that is constantly voted one of the best cities in the world to live in. I acknowledge, it can be hard remaining positive when job hunting, especially when you have to keep a roof over your head and have bills to pay but if you focus on the fact that you don’t have a job and life is shit then guess what, that’s more of what you will get.

Refresh Skills – During my job search I had to do a good few computer tests so figured it was a good idea to refresh my computer skills, which again you can do through websites like Udemy. It also sounds good when you are at an interview that you are keeping any relevant skills fresh and up to date.

Job Applications –  Instead of doing 20 fire and forget job applications each day, find a good few that really jump out at you and do spend a good amount of time tailoring your resume to that specific description and write an attention grabbing cover letter. Go to the company’s website and see what their values are and say how they align to your own in your covering letter.

That’s all the advice I have on the hunt, I could write for hours about interviews and compensation negotiation but ‘Wine Wednesday’ starts in a few hours and I told Mr C that I had sorted our bedroom out (we are still in the midst of moving) which tbh I haven’t! I don’t start my new job until a week on Monday so I have shit loads of time right?!

In other news, (disclaimer: if you are Vegan or Vegetarian the following may cause offense) we had Duck wings for the first time last night and they were proper lush. I was going to cook but Mr C came home  listing the specials at Elwoods which sounded to good to miss! Yeah we are meant to be saving and not drinking throughout the week but half price wings and $4 beer and wine was to much of a temptation to keep us in. Go try them, they do specials every day and it’s a pretty cool place to hang out (no TVs yay).

 

 

 

Own Your Awesomeness

I was on the bus yesterday on my way to an interview (I’ve been doing this a lot lately, it’s amazing what happens when you actually apply for jobs) and this larger bird got on wearing, ripped fishnet stockings, a skirt that showed her arse and extensions that were, well obvs extensions. She was awesome.

She got on the bus and sat down next to a very well dressed lady who visibly cringed at this bird’s appearance. Now some people having this physical effect on a person might have moved or made themselves as small as possible, did this bird do that, no! This bird turned to the very well dressed lady and engaged her in conversation by saying “I like your bag.”  It was brilliant and such a fabulous way of saying “fuck you” she killed her with kindness.

So next time you feel like someone is being a judgy bitch, embrace it, don’t take it personal and say something nice about them (even if they are complete horrors and have no right judging you)  #killthemwithkindness.

In other news, I met some random birds last night (don’t get carried away, it was a networking/ make new friends event); this is also something I’ve been doing a lot lately and it so weird when you first walk into a place not knowing anyone like proper awkward. It’s like dating for friends, please be my friend, promise I’m not a complete lunatic (it’s way more fun letting them find out for themselves). So if you are a bird and new to Vancouver, look for a Facebook group called Girl Crew Vancouver. There really is no need to feel lonely here in Vancouver.

We are moving……….again!!

So despite us getting a pre-approval, the bank decided to fuck us off for a mortgage because Mr C is a contractor and well, I don’t have a job!! We find ourselves having the opposite problem of most people; we have a deposit but not enough pay slips! That’s okay though, there are lots of changes happening in the Real Estate world here in Vancouver. It will be interesting to see what affect these changes have on house prices and you never know, maybe this time next year we will be able to buy a 2 bedroom rather than a 1 bedroom apartment!

We have found a great place to rent for a year, which we are moving into next weekend, it has a massive patio and I am so excited to start having people around again. Think we will do a BBQ for the house warming, hopefully the neighbours are v chill!!

In other news one of my good friends ate enough Beets (Beetroot for any Brits. I know, weird eh, it took me a while to drop the root part) last week to turn her pee red. Yes, these are the type of conversations I have with my friends. You don’t have to be crazy to be one of my friends but it sure does help!

So as well as packing, and applying for jobs next week, I will also be experimenting to see how much Beetroot I have to eat to turn my pee colour.  Such a busy week ahead of me, I best make sure I get plenty of chill time in today. Sunday roast, walk to Granville with me boys then pub later for a couple of glasses of ‘Mystery’ wine with some random birds I met on Facebook who I plan on forming a running group with.  I haven’t ran in a while, lets hope me legs still work when they actually want to meet up for a run!!

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See I am a runner, I have all the kit and everything!!

 

 

 

Judgy Bitch Part 2

I know, can you believe I have another story about being a judgy bitch within a matter of days of the previous one (for anyone nodding their heads saying ‘nope not surprised at all’ fuck you)?! I was waiting at the bus stop (proper embracing being a bus stop wanker) minding my own business, thinking about the awesome curry I was going to make tonight and how all this shitty snow makes for a perfect weekend of nothingness. A homeless (totes assuming this cause well, he looked it) guy says “like your hat.” I obvs plastered a big smile on my face and replied “thanks mate” expecting him to keep on walking.

This guy grabs a piece of cardboard pulls out a pen and starts drawing me; he said that I was pretty and asked if I was a model. I laughed and told him that right there and then I was his model but no I am not a model! We had a good old chat about music, I told him that I loved country music and he said “country music is the only music you can make a steady income from.” I asked him why and he replied “because everyone likes to cry.” Now I kinda see where he was coming from though I get nothing but joy from one of my fave country songs right now It Ain’t My Fault.

So he gave me the drawing and I apologised as I didn’t have any cash and had no cigarettes that he asked for. I said to him “thank you, I feel terrible that you have given me something that made my day yet have nothing to give you.” He asked if I would go to the store across the road and buy him some pens to which I agreed. The store was Shopper Drug Mart (like Boots if you’re in the UK). We walked in and I thought here we go, he’s going to ask me to buy him some over the counter drugs. My opinion was justified when he said we needed to go upstairs where the pharmacy is; in my head I was debating whether I should actually buy him drugs or not (it’s fuckin freezing and what else would he do with his money).

Imagine what a c**t I felt when he took us to the stationery aisle where sure thing, there was marker pens. Even when out of pure guilt I said “mate get whatever you need” he picked up one pack of markers and was so thankful. We went to pay and I spoke to the server in the disdainful manner she showed my new friend (judgy bitch) who had way better manners than me! Outside we said goodbye and he went to shake my hand and though my inner voice was screaming at me not to, I gave him a hug (probably down to the two glasses of wine I had with lunch), like a proper hug that I give my lovely friends. He ran off not looking back once, yelling thanks. What a c**t!

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“Like Your Hat”